It's getting kind of weird now, because Floor is clearly more of a man than Tuomas.
How many times have you prayed to the Man Jesus for ANOTHER GODDAMN jerkjones journal featuring Nightwish? If it's more than one time...
If it’s anywhere between zero and one, congratulations on being everyone, so here you go. This is A Shitty Journal™ I said I’d do several months ago, wrote most of it, lost interest for those several months, then resurrected it today. I’d say enjoy, but you’ll probably just end up crying or screaming BULLSHIT (or at least thinking it...ADMIT IT)
10. (SIX-WAY MYSTERY TIE)
GUESS WHICH SIX THEY ARE. If you can guess all of these songs, I'll be pretty fucking impressed and/or scared of your stalking prowess,
and will be forced to write a journal (unlikely) or some other shit in your honor. It’ll probably be a crude drawing of your head on the body of an eagle with a tuxedo t-shirt, American flag jorts and a chainsaw/machete/bayonet/shotgun hybrid weapon. Trying to use my library to guess this would be almost completely useless...but you're free to try, after this is the internet, and you're in it, which means YOU'RE IN ‘MURICA!!!!!!!!!!!!! FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!! CAIN’T TAKE MAH GUNS OBAMA
I'll just say, the fact that these are even here should tell you how thin their catalog (NOT UE, GO BACK TO ENGLANDE) of songs truly is. Then again, since I hate most music so much, I guess 10-15 decent songs out of however many fucking albums they've done isn't too bad, yeah I like disproving my own points, fucking deal with it...although these six songs skirt the line of “decent Nightwish music”, which is more like below average normal music. You can take what you want from that. I suggest you take a lot. KNOWLEDGE.
Hint 1: Tarja = 3, Anette = 3
Hint 2: I hate myself for liking four of them. Okay fine, all of them. But mostly four.
Hint 3: Three are slower-ish songs
Hint 4: fuck you no more hints
9. Ever Dream (Century Child)
Century Child blows (this will be a recurring theme). If you bought it like I did (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?WHAT THE FUCK?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!)
then you should probably just do yourself a favor and set it on fire like I didn’t. Ever Dream is probably the best track on the album if you can stomach Tarja’s semioperatic screeching, which I can only do in small doses nowadays. That being said...it’s not terrible, which makes it #9 OF ALL TIME FUCK YEAH
8. Sahara (Dark Passion Play)
I don’t even fucking know why this is here. This list is terrible. I also don't know who thought it would ever be a good idea to have Steve Zahn on a movie poster. It's like having a movie with Dane Cook in it. I think this song has some defining characteristics that I should be detailing right now, but I don’t even remember what this song sounds like. So much for your expectations of this article actually containing content. Of course, if you’ve read my shit before...you’re not surprised.
7. Ghost River (Imaginaerum)
The only obvious (to you) representative from Imaginaerum, because it is a bad album. Buuuuuuut, Ghost River rocked the fuck out of everyone’s faces, and since they didn’t know how to handle it...most everyone hated it. YOU HAVE CHOSEN...POORLY. Refer to title of journal for more information.
The only other track I could’ve seen anyone placing over Ghost River (from Imaginaerum) was **SECRET TRACK FROM #10 OMITTED**, but alas, most people were fawning over something shitty instead. NIGHTWISH FANS LOL but seriously even though G. River is decent enough and spawned the GREATEST SIDE PROJECT OF ALL TIME AND BY GREAT I MEAN SHITTY...it’s still only #7. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BEAT IT????????
6. The Islander (Dark Passion Play)
AWWWWWW SHIT. The ONLY song (or IS IT?????) up in this motherfucker to feature our bearded probably-old-as-fuck as-required-by-scandinavian-metal-law angry man singer, Marco. If Marco’s not wondering “what the fuck am I doing here” every time he glances over and sees this:
Then I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with him. Of course, three seconds later he’d think “oh yeah, money, bitches, drugs, and headbanging lol” look out upon his hordes of adoring fangirls, and continue headbanging like a fucking mental patient, while simultaneously growling better than most growlers and slapa da bass. When I put it that way, Marco’s an okay dude, I guess. Yes, I refer to my own references when deciding how I feel about things.
Sweet fucking Christ, Ghost Rider 2 is a terrible fucking movie. I apologize to the everlasting glory of Cage...but it's A GODDAMN TRAIN WRECK. AND NOT THE GOOD KIND. At least we'll always have the unadulterated awesome of Face-Off, The Rock, Lord of War, Con-Air, and Kick-Ass. Note: if a Cage movie has a hyphen in it, it is guaranteed to be awesome. He should just put random hyphens in all of his movies to ensure greatness. Actually, Con Air isn't supposed to have a hyphen...but it still works so fuck you.
5. Crownless (Wishmaster? probably)
Yeah, you guessed it, Wishmaster is a pretty shitty album. Probably their second least shitty one, though. Crownless is just a fast-paced punch-in-the-face of a song, and that’s just the way I like it. I…I’ve got nothing else to say.
4. Escapist (Dark Passion Play B-Side)
I guess this means DPP is their greatest album, because this song didn't make the cut? No, it means Nightwish are fuckers, and have no fucking idea how to put an album together. I mean, how the fuck are two of their top four tracks not even on real albums? WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously, Tuomas should just punch himself right in the face, because this song is CLEARLY better than the entire DPP album...and that's not bad, because DPP is probably their best album. I don't even fucking know how that's possible, and I basically denied it literally three sentences ago or so, but there it is. It's fucking true, and there's not a goddamn thing you or I can do about it. Unless, of course, Tuomas kicks himself out of the band and hires either you or me to replace him. In that case, we could release an album of seals being beaten while Floor (WHAT?!?!?!??!?!?!?!) screams about government, Pitchfork would give it a 9.7 and we would bathe in cash money, motherfuckers.
3. The Kinslayer (Wishmaster)
spoiler alert above lol what
Anette fans can feel free to shit on this list, since your hero isn't in the top 3. Blame Tuomas for being shitty. You can hang your fucking musical pope hats on the fact that she was around and doing things for their best album. And uh, she’s less of a fuck than Tarja. POINTS ON FUCKIN POINTS FOR DAT BITCH
Actually, fuck it, DPP is demoted to 2nd for not including Escapist. Fuck you, Tuomnettewish.
2. 10th Man Down (Over the Hills and Far Away)
Over the Hills and Far Away fucking sucks. This song does FUCKING NOT. It obviously has the 2nd best opening (after the random noises at the beginning GET UP SOLDIER) of any of their shit. For once, they do without the bombastic bullshit (by their standards, anyway), and it actually works. And then there's the random dude grunty solo, which actually kinda works somehow. Still don’t know how.
This song appears to mark Tuomas’s final act before the descent from “Sorta Weird Keyboard Dude” to “Keyboard Rapist Disney Diva Fuck” (INFLUENCE OF SAMI??? Yes.). Most REAL TRVE Nightwish fans seem to hate this song, or have simply ignored it, probably because they are instantly repelled from anything that is truly awesome. It’s more like a proto-Sabaton than Nightwish. Which I find pretty fucking strange, because like 98% of their shit seems to be derivative of something they've done before...except for the top 8 songs here (I know that doesn’t add up you fuck), because I'm awesome at picking best things from giant piles of crap. You should know that by now.
It isn’t on a real album because (10 reasons in honor o’ 10th man down DO YOU FUCKIGN GET IT):
1. Tuomas is retarded.
2. Someone thought Over the Hills and Far Away didn’t suck. They thought wrong.
3. Fuck Nuclear Blast (even though this didn’t involve them...FUCK THEM RIGHT IN THE FACE)
4. It’s so fucking awesome that it would have overshadowed the bullshit on Century Child
5. Marcelo’s shadow demon empire.
6. Some random fucking dude that sounds vaguely Marco-ish is in it.
7. It doesn’t sound like normal Nightwish bullshit
8. Tuomas is retarded.
9. It wasn’t named according to proper Nightwish conventions, which would have demanded a name of “Heart Lust Eternal” or “Poet’s Lament” or some other deep engfish bullshit
10. The overpowering presence of Sami.
Speaking of which, Sami should be proud, because this song is apparently his greatest accomplishment. Well...until he saved the world several times. But from a musical standpoint, this shit stands alone. If you disagree, well...you know.
1. Ghost Love Score (Once)
Once fucking sucks too...and this is almost the lone exception. Honestly, if you think any other song is Nightwish's best song, then you're probably delusional, a douchebag of whorehay proportions, or just can't stand to listen to Tarja anymore because you're all pissed off about things relating to Nightwish for some reason...which almost certainly makes you a fuck, unless you’ve proven yourself awesome in other ways. WHICH IS FUCKING UNLIKELY.
Let me regale you with a motherfucking story of the horrifying past of one Jerk W. Jones, jerk on the internet. Several years ago, FOR SOME FUCKING REASON, the first Nightwish song I ever heard was Tutankhamen...and as you may know, like many other NW songs, it FUCKING SUCKS. Not only does it suck, it sucks for Nightwish. So I was like, hey, another completely shitty band my stupid fucking mongoloid friends like...and continued listening to bullshit like Muse and Metallica. Then, one day, I was fucking around on the internet, inundated by shitty music AND THEN I HEARD THIS SHIT. IT IS MY JAM, SON. GREAT STORY THAT YOU LOVED IS OVER.
While the lyrics are obviously retarded, when you look at it through special Nightwish-flavored pink fairy goggles, which you really can’t use to judge real music because the compatibility protocols won’t be invented for decades...it’s quite near motherfucking perfect. And if you don’t think it’s the greatest Nightwish song that will ever be made (I guess I could see top 3 if you’re a little special and epic ain’t yo thang), or if you think fucking TUOMAS could ever do anything better, then you should probably go back to Epica and punch yourself in the face...like I’m about to do to myself for writing this bullshit.
WORST SONGS THAT YOU PROBABLY LIKE
1. Song of Myself
2. Meadows of Heaven
It’s really fucking bad and the end is fucking weird.
3. Ocean Soul
I don’t remember why, I think because it’s bad
4. Everything before Wishmaster
Except for POSSIBLY Stargazers. Everything else sucks. I mean, even if you account for the fact that it's Nightwish.
5. I WROTE THIS LIKE FOUR MONTHS AGO SO MOST OF IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE...or DOES IT????
Everything from the future featuring lead singer #3 unless it's Vibeke/AvG/Liv’s Sister which would be fucking amazing too bad Tuomas is WAY too fucking dumb to make it happen (Floor is clearly not any of those people, After Forever sucked). If Tuomas doesn't go for the scandinavian trifecta and get a lead singer from Norway, then he should clearly be removed from life immediately because he’s a fuck, not a TRVE VIKING. I'm still thinking that after Anette stops being fucking baby crazy, and after Tuomas is done divaing out after his shitty movie time, they'll probably hook back up (I don’t know what the fuck I was getting at, neither of those things will ever happen). Or they'll kill each other in a hellstorm of fire, blood, and radiation, what the fuck do I know? I know that I don't care anymore. Except for the random times when I JAM THE FUCK OUT to 10th Man Down or some shit, I HAVE MOVED ON. And you should too. As the horrifyingly boring Imaginaerum movie proved...
WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE USE EXCLAMATION POINTS WITH EMOTICONS