lördag 8 Nov 2014, 23:47

(I started this several months ago so some things probably don’t make sense, then again that’s how it always is so why should you be surprised)

Since I’m such a fucking forgiving kinda guy, I have graciously decided to give completely mediocre triple duel veterans Xandria (as I fucking predicted, AGAIN, Tarja-clone is gone, ALL HAIL MARCELO), bitchy whiny hot lead singer but still fuck you guys Epica, and WHO?????? Savn INEXPLICABLY a chance at this SHITTY JOURNAL SO NO ONE GIVES A FUCK brand of glory.

That was a really fucking confusing paragraph. Let’s move on.

The N key on this shitty laptop is falling off, so that might make things interesting very soon. It’s kind of like that loose tooth you had when you were a kid, the one that somehow stayed for weeks as you tried your best not to fuckig touch it. I DID THAT ON PURPOSE. I probably have to use that letter more…otherwise i’d go ballistic dreaming up words to use without that jerk letter ferrari octopus dishwasher boulevard typewriter

FUCK IT LET’S DO THISnnnnnnnnnnnn

How about Xandria, doing exactly what I expected and kicking Tarja-clone to the curb, only to pick up a van Giersbergen that isn’t even related to Anneke, and becoming the latest stupid fucking band to not pick up the phone and call Vibeke Stene. I’m pretty sure if I was the Hiring Jerk for any fucking shitty symphonic metal band in the world, they’d be the best ever. That was a lot of fucking Ns, I blame the Dutch. YOU ARE TESTING FATE

AVAILABLE BADASS MOTHERFUCKERS:
Female Vocals: Vibeke Stene
Male Vocals: Roy Khan (just tell him it’s a christian band and get a lookalike to lip-sync on tour, WHO CARES IF OUR LYRICS ARE ABOUT HOOKERS, BLOW, HELL, AND THE DEVIL, SING YOU FUCK)
Gruntman: Kjetil from that one Tristania album because he’s the least shitty grunter/screamer ever
Guitars: No one cares, some random guy(s) that doesn’t completely suck and can do sweet guitar solos constantly, not Tom Morello because he’s a whiny douche
Drums: No one cares, some random guy from Japan
NO FUCKING PIPE GUY BECAUSE SERIOUSLY HE’S NOT A BAND MEMBER WHAT THE FUCK

BAND COMPLETE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN GERMANY AND SWEDEN AWAIT US

I lied, I know who the fuck Savn is after doing five seconds of intense research. Their lead singer just happens to be the far superior younger sister of that one chick in that one band. You know, the ones who sing in dead languages and shit. Her name is Maple or some shit. Her comparative lack of singing skills is probably because she is a vegetarian, which biologically has the effect of making her barely human, more of a rabbit-like creature really. It’s science, fuckers.
http://i.imgur.com/WnIcN2Z.gif
She was also in that dead band that everyone claims to like but secretly hates because why wouldn’t you? Some of you that actually got that are screaming inside with rage right now, and that’s okay (no it’s not). nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn I think I fixed it.nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Yeah, good enough for now, as long as most of the songs are about elves, orcs, dishwashers, or typewriters (seems likely).

Savn might be somewhat mismatched, going up against arguably, in terms of popularity, probably two of the top ten shitty eurometal bands out there today. Luckily for Savn, they have a top ten singer (okay…maybe top 20), and both of their enemy bands have been mediocre at best…until now???? LET’S FUCKING FIND OUT.

Originem - intro track, SKIPPING THAT SHIT.

1. The Second Stone vs. Sacrificium vs. Musical Silence

First effort out of Epica is about what I’ve come to expect from them…moments where it seems like the song is going to rock your face off…and then they go back to the same old Epica shit. If you’ve listened to any Epica album ever, you’ve heard this song almost exactly about ~6 times per album. HOORAY FOR BEING CONSISTENTLY AVERAGE AT BEST
http://i.imgur.com/uEFufvb.png

And then there’s the only band in the world that changes lead singers more than fucking Nightwish (I don’t even think I’m lying, but I might be). Xandria really tests my patience by making their first track TEN FUCKING MINUTES and might be the first shitty symphonic metal band to ever put their epic way too fucking long song first.
http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Thats-A-Bold-Strategy-Meme.gif
It’s a relatively solid opening track…better than Epica’s usual bullshit. A bit repetitive at times, but hey that happens when you drone on for-fucking-ever.

The quality out of Savn on the shittily named first track is pretty fucking surprising. The First Family of Female Lead Singers of Norwegian Folk-ish Metal’s formula doesn’t change much here…and it works out pretty well. You can tell it probably cost like $27 to produce, but fuck you, I like it for some reason. It’s probably that damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnorwegian siren sonnnnng GOD DAMNIT

(this is where I stopped for several months due to not caring/africa and switched laptops)

Savn - 3, Xandria - 2, Epica - 1

2. The Essence of Silence vs. Nightfall vs. Hang On

SWEET JESUS HANG ON

I really want to talk shit right now about how much I hate Epica, like I predictably do after EVERY FUCKING SONG. Sadly, it’s not possible (for the moment) after hearing this. Apparently, this is what it sounds like when Epica FINALLY QUITS THE BULLSHIT (well, mostly) and realizes their fucking potential for once. I’m not gonna say it’s perfect or anything (probably could have used less of Marky Mark
http://38.media.tumblr.com/9e310161b90e140bcb118c95e3897e26/tumblr_mrq8pivysf1rm8en1o1_500.gif
but he did decently enough and, impossibly, supplemented instead of detracted), but it’s clearly their best song since Unleashed…or maybe ever. Not that this is saying much, but I’ll be pretty surprised if this isn’t the best song out of these three albums.

How will those Xandria jerks respond? Well, they’re off to a pretty good start, with the second decent track in a row. Not-related-to-Anneke does a pretty impressive job. This can’t take down Epica’s actually not sucking for once song, but it might at least be good enough to top Savn. Sweet guitar solo, bro. New Xandria sounds a bit more like Old Xandria than their last stupid fucking album, and that’s a good thing.

Savn has some tough competition with this one. Their second track is alright, but gets blasted by the other two. The chorus is kind of fucking stupid, though. They might as well call this band Midnattsol Jr. or some shit. Maybe Midnattsol 2 - We Suck A Little More Now! Junior II, Son of Midnattsol. Midnattsol Jr. is probably more catchy, and more of a ripoff as befits the genre as laid forth by the resident matriarch Tuomas Hulupainionic, so let’s go with that.

Epica - 4, Xandria - 4, Savn - 4

3. Victims of Contingency vs. Dreamkeeper vs. The Demons In Me

HAS EPICA FINALLY BROKEN THE STREAK OF SUCK??????
http://i.imgur.com/lEO6APO.gif
Sounds like thinly-veiled political bullshit. Fuck you, Jansen. The song isn’t anything exceptional, or even decent. Good to know that EPICA IS BACK, after briefly becoming something new and better with the last track. That means I don’t have to change my rhetoric…I was a little worried about that. JANSENOLOGY REIGNS

Somehow, Xandria is already starting to feel like the favorite, given my hatred of most things Epica does. They keep doing alright with DREAMKEEPER, which feels like it should have been a C-level movie on syfy at some point, probably something about native mericans oh wait
http://img1.shopimg.ca/content/zoom/20510015_main_zoom.jpeg
Something about Washington Handegg Team goes here racism is cool. But seriously, I AM A FUCKING PSYCHIC or my theory of bands stealing song titles from late-night Hallmark Channel/other movies gains more legitimacy. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT MOVIE A 7.7 and it’s 174 minutes?????? HALLMARK DOES NOT FUCK AROUND, BITCHES.

Song names ripped off from movies count now stands at 8. That’s cause there were SEVEN FUCKING MOVIES named Nightfall and for some reason I’m counting them all.

I feel like Savn can’t help but be overshadowed by the strange and confusing events we’ve just experienced. Okay, this dude they randomly showcased sounds like he should probably never open his mouth while in a band and near a microphone. Even another siren song and Michelle Darkness (I have no fucking idea) can’t save this shit now.

Xandy - 7, Epica - 6, Savn - 5

4. Sense Without Sanity vs. Stardust vs. Longing For Love

http://i.imgur.com/vIasgfR.gif
BECAUSE THAT MAKES AN ASSLOAD OF SENSE YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS Well, since Epica doesn’t like to waste time, apparently we’re already descending into the usual Epica formula of “one decent track, followed by 6-7 tracks that sound about the same, until you just give up all hope of recovery”. Well, I’m already about at that point in record time (excluding my forays into unlistenable music obviously), so congratulations, fuckers. The second half of the song was a little bit more promising after they changed it up, but still, no. Maybe I was just getting psyched because it was almost over.

The 76th song in eurometal history named Stardust (well…there’s at least two) might be the best one. Xandria is fucking killing this shit. Honestly, they’ve probably learned the lessons of their last two albums better than any of the other fucking bands around…they’re basically the Anti-Epica. While with the last one, they just said HEY FUCK IT LET’S GO WITH DOPPEL-TARJA AND DO SEMI-OLD NIGHTWISH MATERIAL, this time they reduce old-nightwish to “Special Thanks To” credits and go back to a time when Xandria didn’t suck. I FUCKING APPRECIATE IT. Oh, and it helps that not-related-to-Anneke is actually fucking good UNLIKE CERTAIN FAILURES
http://www.metal-archives.com/images/8/3/8/838_artist.jpg?4934
SAVN NEEDS TO GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER. Since Epica still fucking sucks, I guess they probably still have a shot at second place. And hey, this song really isn’t bad at all, so here guys, enjoy second place.

X - 10, S - 7, E - 7

5. Unchain Utopia vs. The Undiscovered Land vs. I Am Free (feat. Elder Norse Siren)

I think this song is about Wal-Mart. Seriously, read the lyrics. Despite that, it’s a small step in the right direction from the general “I don’t give a fuck”-itude of the last few songs. The choir was a little better than the standard Epica usage of choir, which is kinda like:

Producer: Hey, this song sounds alright.

Mark: Hmmm…no, fuck you. It needs a choir.

Producer: Uh, okay, even though we’ve already got your shitty grunting, Simone, and the random semi-uncredited guest singer…you know, that one chick who is everywhere?

Mark: Lizmanda-Gluz? Shut the fuck up sir, we need a choir. Or three, even.

Producer: Okay, what should they sing?

Mark: Fuck, it doesn’t even matter. Just have them repeat what Simone’s saying sometimes.

Producer: This album is going to suck, and I’m going to get fired.

Mark: Ha, what do you know? You’re not a weird deaf fuck from Brazil on last.fm, they heart all my shit. Also, we need clips from a 80’s speech and a four-minute grunting solo about corporate greed. Where the fuck is my on-fire EUmerican flag, crown of thorns, and overflowing mass grave giant poster?

Producer: http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140824205307/fallout/images/0/08/I_don_t_want_to_live_on_this_planet_anymore.jpg

Mark: Hey man good lyrics I’m gonna steal that, wait aren’t you Ronaldinho Westinghouse-TheNobility, bald guy in Within Temptation????

Producer aka Ronaldinho: FUCKER IT’S MY CHOIR NOW HAHAHAHA COME LIZMANDA WE RIDE TO ROTTERDAM

Lizmanda-Gluz: *inaudible squealing*

Ronaldinho: Wait don’t forget our next D-level guest singers!!!

Fred and Richard Fairbrass, founders of shitty 90’s band Right Said Fred: WE’RE WITH YOU TO THE END RONALDINHO!!!!

Mark: I’LL GET YOU MOTHERFUCKERS

DvG: Hey can we borrow Lizmanda for our next album that will be way better than Epica

Ronaldinho: yeah lady-bro

Lizmanda-Gluz: *happy squealing*

Producer: http://i.imgur.com/UmaLaZS.gif

Xandria needs to step up their game accordingly. They elect to go with a slower-style song (at least at the beginning), and DvG does her best Simone impression. Seriously, I had to check back after a minute to make sure this wasn’t Epica. Goddamn, they aren’t fucking around here. Once again, it’s another 9-level song, and Epica is boned. Yes, it’s true, Xandria can Epica better than Epica.

GUESS WHO’S HELPING OUT, MOTHERFUCKERS. But, it didn’t really even matter after Xandria and Epica fucking destroyed the world. I mean, it’s not completely terrible, but THESE ARE THE FUCKING BIG LEAGUES.

X - 13, E - 9, S - 8

(IF THE SUBTITLE IS INTERLUDE I DON’T REVIEW THAT SHIT)
http://i.imgur.com/sgkrmDw.gif
6. Chemical Insomnia vs. Betrayer vs. Sorrowful

Is this song about caffeine? It sure fucking sounds like it, and if so I am an immediate fan. Annnnnnnd then the song started. I mean, it’s not too bad, and at least it’s a little different from their standard formula. Not much, though.

Sweet Jesus. These scumbags just had to tour through ‘merica while I was fucking gone. It’s been a while since I didn’t want to punch myself in the face for listening to a triple duel album.
http://i.imgur.com/vwMin.gif

Okay, Epica might be the Nickelback (if you’re an Epica fan and don’t believe that, I regret to inform you that you’re wrong) of Shitty Euro Semi-Symphonic Fairy Metal, but Savn might have them beaten in the Song Repitititiude Quotient department, if that’s even possible. Too bad for Epica, Savn seems to care a little more right now. Yeah, I know that made absolutely no sense, but they’re (Epica/Savn collective suckitude) really killing my desire to expand on anything.

X - 16, S - 10, E - 10

7. Reverence - Living in the Heart - vs. Until the End vs. All I Want

I don’t think I’ve ever heard a guitar solo from Epica that sounded complex in the least. Feel free to attempt to prove me wrong, so I can not pay attention to your argument. This might be the first Epica album in human history that’s ever had some semblance of a second wind, because this song is, once again, not terrible. Okay, I guess that guitar/keytar solo sounded kinda fucked up, so maybe I was wrong…ha just kidding they suck lol

If I would’ve known Xandria was going to fucking dominate like this, I would’ve given them the first two so they could go for the clean sweep. They take a slight step back with this one, but it’s still not too bad. Seriously, reviewing albums like this is a pain in the ass because THERE’S LITERALLY NOTHING TO CRUSH THESE FUCKERS FOR well except the lyrics obviously but fuck it

SAVN IS FUCKING DEPRESSING ME. I knew they’d get blown out due to production and the fact that I am a consumer whore, but it sucks that they’re not even bothering to change their fucking songs for me. I BELIEVED IN YOU NORSE SIREN

X - 19, E - 12, S - 11

8. Omen - The Ghoulish Melody - vs. Come With Me vs. Now or Never

FUCK YEAH a Ghoulies tribute song.
http://www.filmflausen.de/images/ghoulies4.jpg
That movie looks fucking amazing.

Okay, confessional time, I don’t think I’ve ever seen any of the movies, I just remember my parents had the first one in their endless pile of VHS tapes. For the second time in recent history, Mark+co decide to give a rare fuck and make a pretty decent fucking song, to attempt to break Xandria’s ridiculous run of dominance, unprecedented in the vast history of Triple Duel. You want to know what’s truly hilarious about Epica’s ineptitude? It’s totally self-inflicted. Even when they DO have more than one decent song in an album, it’s buried below the bullshit.

EXHIBIT A: Design Your Universe. Unleashed was fucking awesome, deservedly the first single. Second single: bullshit. Only other good track: White Waters, duet with Tony FUCKING Kakko, #10 track, totally ignored.
Wiki: Reception has been positive from both critics and fans FUCK YOUR POSITIVITY

EXHIBIT B: Requiem For The Indifferent (NOTE THAT THEY DON’T FUCKING CARE). Storm the Sorrow is one of 3.5 decent tracks (sadly this probably makes it their best album so far, kudos if your Epica shout had your greater thans placed correctly, ha just kidding you fucking suck stop talking about Epica you fuck), first single. Decent tracks actually lined up nicely for once. Okay. AND THEN for the train wreck that is everything after #5, a classic trainwreck into Tristania’s own personal Canyon of LOL YOU SPENT MONEY ON THIS. Second single is stupid bullshit, instead of one of the good ones.
Wiki: General response to Requiem for the Indifferent was positive FUCK GENERALS
jerkjones: Dude, it was NOT easy. It's by no means a horrible album, but those last 40-50 minutes were a chore. I failed at listening FUCK THAT GUY TOO

EXHIBIT C: THIS FUCKING ALBUM. Second best track: buried again. Thanks for playing, and welcome to two albums ago.
Wiki: Guitarist/vocalist Mark Jansen explains: "I have been listening to our new album and I can't get enough of it! FUCK YOU

I mean, fucking seriously. What Epica can only offer, AT THE MOST, 2-3 times per album, Xandria has just done SEVEN TIMES IN A FUCKING ROW. For that reason alone, I hope Xandria somehow wins this track. Even though Epica did finally decide to reveal their rare Second Good Song™. If they pull off a miracle, I swear I’ll never talk shit about Epica again. EVER.

http://i.imgur.com/nW8mrvK.gif

Xandria once again delivers the goods, but can’t quite top Epica. I guess it had to happen sooner or later.

Fuck you, Savn. They’ve fallen into an amazing combination of the Tristania Trap (album sucks at the end) and the Epica Effect (filler fucking everywhere), and I just can’t deal with that shit. AND THEIR FUCKING ALBUM IS ALMOST OVER. I’ve made a huge mistake. Or they made a huge mistake by attempting to clash with THE TITANS. Well… it worked for Amaranthe, though. Maybe I’m just a fucking idiot, because Amaranthe clearly sucks.

E - 15, X - 21, S - 12

9. Canvas of Life - Yeah That's Right Fuck Your Stupid Subtitles vs. Little Red Relish vs. Lengselens hånd

IT’S SO FUCKING ARTISTIC AHHHH I really should stop reviewing albums, because 90% of the time it just depresses me how fucking dumb bands are. SIMONE SAVES THE FUCKING DAY. Weird how that happens when Jansen GETS THE FUCK OUT.
http://i.imgur.com/4qegq.gif
No grunting, none of his stupid fucking lyrics, just THE GREAT PUMPKIN BLASTING THAT SHIT. APPROVED.

This song better be about a goddamn mutant hamburger. No, predictably, it seems to be about Little Red Riding Hood getting naked and getting it on with The Big Bad Wolf. Well, of course it is. Tuomas nods solemnly in approval.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/1790049/tuomas-holopainen-o.gif
And now, the insanely disappointing Savn will attempt to fuck everything up for everyone. Nope.

E - 18, X - 23, S - 13

10. Natural Corruption vs. Our Neverworld vs. Hang On (GROWLY STYLE, yes, it's the same song again FOR YOUR PLEASURE)

Not content with making politically charged songs with somewhat cryptic titles so there’s at least some ambiguity with what you’re getting into, Mark just says FUCK IT with this one. Oh wait he didn’t do the lyrics GOD WHAT THE FUCK
http://www.readsleeprepeat.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Craig-Face.gif
FINISH THEM. Well, it seems like Xandria burned all their good shit early on. Still decent enough, but Epica’s secret Triple Duel strategy of burying good (or at least less bad) tracks at the end appears to be working.

Savn has run out of songs, so they’re doing slightly different versions of previous songs. A bad sign. FUCK THEM, this is now ONE ON ONE. To maybe make things more interesting, first will be 3 points, second 1.

E - 21, X - 24, S IS BAD

11. The Quantum Enigma vs. Temple of Hate

TWELVE MINUTES OH JESSU FIOCSOSIFCUK this was a terrible idea. They take a page out of (insert some other band that I forgot the name of, maybe it was Epica)’s book here and start the song with 90 seconds of bullshit. Then the GLORIOUSE FIVE CHOIRS OF THE JANSENPOCALYPSE kick in, and we’re off. That’ll do. Epica appears to care slightly again. I’ll forgive the couple minutes of stupid shit in the middle, too, because the rest was downright fucking decent.

Xandria has their work cut out for them to lock up the victory. Well, it was okay…not nearly enough though. http://s3.amazonaws.com/christmas_gif_shop/gifs/94/shelf/Turboman-Help!!.gif?1324298835

E - 24, X - 25

12. Banish Your Illusion (Google Music SHITTY ADDON TRACK) vs. Sweet Atonement (SHITTY ADDON TRACK) THERE MUST BE A WINNER

Somehow, Xandria has managed to fuck this up and take it to the last (probably shitty) SECRET TRACK SECTION. OR maybe Epica unfucked it up. Well, hey, good news. We’re back to old shitty Epica once again. I mean, not completely back, but it’s still not great.

XANDRIA BRINGIN THE SLOW SHIT. Luckily for Xandria, DvG crushes that shit ONCE AGAIN. IT’S OVER, FINALLY.

No, I don’t fucking care that one or both of these albums had like ten bonus tracks. Get out.
http://i.imgur.com/bPioAf8.gif

X - 28, E - 25

REDEMPTION THY NAME IS XANDRIA. After being slightly trounced by a shitty Nightwish album and AMARANTHE??????? last time, Xandria summons old Xandria non-suckitude and absolutely fucking destroys Epica and Savn, in a showdown that wasn’t as close as it ended up. DvG is the next hero of all the fangirls that aren’t idiots (few), and Xandria is stupidly #1 (for now) on the forthcoming JERKJONES MEMORIAL SHITTY EUROMETAL BAND RANKINGS.

NEXT TIMES!!!!!!!!

TRIPLE DUEL V LIVE: AMARANTHE VS. LAME IMMORTAL VS. DELAIN - LIVING IN THE HEART OR EQUALLY SHITTY SUBTITLE

JERKJONES FUCKING SUCKS AT VIDEO GAMES