tisdag 3 Apr 2012, 0:15
(or at least the last couple weeks, anyway)
Tl;dr – Your favorite bands suck. No, seriously.
Yes, THE JOURNALSTORM continues. I’ll probably hate all of these bands inside of a month. Scar sez: BE PREPARED.
The Hero Section
Faunts –
Because Jerk F. Jones finally found some sweet chill-out music, as opposed to the usual vaguely angry fare.
Back when I played the original Mass Effect something like 42 million years ago, I heard M4 (Part II) over the end credits and, since I was listening to shitty music almost exclusively back then, I said something like "lolwat" and moved on with my life. Then, after beating the train wreck of Mass Effect 3 a few weeks ago, I heard Das Malefitz and was like MIND EXPLOSION. Now that I have their discography I can safely say that they are fucking glorious.
They’re sort of like Silversun Pickups (see their section below) if they took a little too much acid, danced around in 42-below weather for a while to simulate the Canadian Experience, and had an orgy with a super star destroyer which previously had relations with a galactic synthesizer.
http://www.myfacewhen.net/uploads/961-aww-yeah.jpg
AND THEY'RE CANADIAN. What is this, bizarro-year? Yes, yes it is. Next, we'll be consulting Brazil for coherent commentary (in English) on your favorite symphonic metal band's latest album. Before you ask, no, you can't ask Liadz. Someone else.
Yes, I will probably hate them three months from now. Fuck you for reminding me. I’ll curse your name (if I know it) when the time comes.
Get: M4 (Part II), Das Malefitz, M4 (Part I). If those interest you in the least, do yourself a favor and acquire the discography…although those three are CLEARLY their stand-out tracks. Their vocalist is weird, so it makes sense that two of their best tracks are instrumental. If you hate them, it’s your own damn fault for trusting me. I don’t know what the fuck you were thinking.
KMFDM –
Because KMFDM sucks.
They’re still going strong after approximately 42 albums, with 285 different band members. I had almost completely stopped listening to them when I started my recent symphonic metal/indie/comedy saga, and then this possibly-German-Antarctic chick who's quite rad (Trexacious) showed up. She randomly said something about them, and that's when I realized that they had several more albums that I hadn't listened to.
After punching myself in the face a few times for being an idiot, I mostly illegally acquired their newer albums, and all was right with the world once again. Now, they need to move back to Seattle when I do, so I can stalk them in lieu of a real life. Because, feast your eyes on these badass motherfuckers.
http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/305050/KMFDM.jpg
Now, my saga has become an electronic/symphonic/industrial metal with hints of comedy and indie-ish rock featuring a side of post-rock (whatever that’s supposed to be) saga. I blame you for complicating things for me. You know who you are.
Get: Leid und Elend, Son of a Gun, Brute, Sturm & Drang, about a billion others. Just get Symbols to start, if you’re really that curious. But I doubt you are, because you’re probably a jerk who’s waiting for me to talk about Nightwish or Epica. You’ll get yours, don’t worry.
Silversun Pickups –
Because they’re the greatest fucking band in the world. Well, okay, greatest World Cop band.
If you’ve been stalking my profile recently, you probably know that I listen the shit out of these jerks…and for good reason. Their next album is about a month away, and it will probably dominate my life for several months. I’ve…got nothing else.
Get: It begins and ends with Rusted Wheel. That’d be a pretty good indicator whether you’d be into them or not. Or maybe Lazy Eye. Or It’s Nice To Know You Work Alone, fuck I don’t know
Amaranthe –
Because everyone needs a bit of stupid in their lives.
They're so goddamn brave, they unapologetically rip-off approximately 42 billion bands simultaneously, and then leave me to do their last.fm shoutbox dirty work. Trolling Epica fanboys ain't easy. Oh wait, it is. And it’s kind of fun, because they seem to congregate sometimes in the Amaboxe…FOR REASONS UNKNOWN.
Maybe I drew them in with my anti-Epica propaganda. Maybe not. MAYBE GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Before you point it out, yes, I am aware that they kind of suck. But, in the same way, they’re also kind of awesome… much like the movies Judge Dredd, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, Eraser, Ninja Assassin, Hook, and Starship Troopers. Oh wait, no, none of those movies suck. YOU CAN GO TO HELL.
Get: Hunger, Call Out My Name, Amaranthine, 1DOT000DOT000 LIGHTYEARS
The Dead Weather –
Because everyone cool is in it.
Jack White is a son of a bitch. Everyone knows it. Because of this, he formed some kind of weird supergroup of slightly epic proportions, and basically forced me to listen to it at gunpoint. I mean, seriously, he surrounded himself with some fucking badasses. When I first realized that they existed like 6 months ago (news travels slowly here in the future), I looked at the lineup and said something like “OSAGHADOGDEHOapdojnkgrothjn.”
Jack White is fucking weird looking. I actually did say exactly that when I looked them up on Wikipedia. You’ll know why when you see it (if the picture hasn’t changed). Of course, even Alison Mosshart looks weird as shit in that picture. And, well, uh…
http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/252/38797349.jpg
Yeah. She doesn’t look too fucked up in that one. It’s officially a band made up of people who look fucking weird from certain angles.
Get: Blue Blood Blues, Die by the Drop, So Far From Your Weapon
L'Âme Immortelle (THE LAME IMMORTAL) –
Because the feminine wiles of Antarctica compelled me.
Rough translation completed by Jerk Jones’ 60% Of the Time It Works Every Time Translation Inc.
Holy Odin's raven, they are awesome. It’s like if Within Temptation got into a car wreck with KMFDM and maybe Emilie Autumn or something, in the middle of a severe thunderstorm (electronic, GET IT?>?????), and the only possible solution was to combine body parts and skills of random members. The remaining souls emerged…as THE LAME IMMORTAL. See, it makes sense, because as victims of a car accident, it’s possible that their legs don’t work.
…
And the rest was history. I’m going to go stalk them in November. ROAD TRIP, WHO’S GOING?? Oh and here’s the rough mockup of my Official Stalker Letter™. In the same vein as my Glorious Adventures of Marcelo Cabuli comic, this is what happens when I am properly inspired. I’m proud of it.
http://i.imgur.com/iSlgJ.jpg?1
I was also going to write "Enclosed is most of my hair" in there somewhere, but forgot to include it. You'll just have to imagine it.
Get: You’re so goddamn needy…just get all of Gezeiten or Wenn Der Letzte Schatten Fällt and see what happens. Your mind will explode from awesome. Unless you suck, of course.
Blackguard –
Because I don’t know.
Once again, CANADA. So, uh, here's what's weird about these fuckers. I've heard they're atrocious live from several different unreputable (and thus indisputable) internet sources. I hate every other band in the world that is anything like them. And yet…I like them. What the hell is wrong with me? More accurately, what the hell is right with them? Former: everything, Latter: most likely nothing.
Did that make sense? You. That’s right, YOU. YOU should fucking listen to them, and then tell me if I’m crazy here. Then, I’ll tell you that I hate you and continue listening to these crazy Canuck fucks.
Get: Wastelands and The Path. That’s about it, I guess. Now that I've typed this, I don't even think I like them anymore.
Midnattsol –
Because it’s Liv’s sister what the hell
For perhaps the first time ever, I discovered a band on last.fm Recommended Radio that didn’t mostly suck. Kong Valemons Kamp. For a second, I thought it was a tribute to Donkey Kong or something. But no, it ended up being better than that, as impossible as that may seem. Especially the chorus and the last 55 seconds. Pardon me, but that shit’s fucking beautiful. And most of the lyrics are hilarious (when you can actually understand them). Take fucking notes, Planet Earth.
Even that badass motherfucker Donkey Kong has to appreciate the effort made in his name.
I seriously don’t know how this band only has a little over a million plays. Oh right, this is Earth. Earth, it’s never too late, never too late to fly. At least it’s worth a try. If you’ve listened to these jerks previously you might see what I just did there. Okay that’s enough of that
Get: Donkey Kong Valemons Kamp, Skogens Lengsel, En Natt I Nord, there are probably others worth getting but I literally wrote this based on just those three, so just investigate them yourself, jerk.
Yes it’s another side note oh wait the only other side note is below this so this is the first one although I typed it second but you don’t know that well I guess you do now but fuck you anyway:
JOSH HOMME AND FLORENCE WELCH DUET, JACKSON (the song). THE GINGER JESUS CHRIST COLLIDES WITH ANOTHER GINGER THAT IS QUITE POSSIBLY HIS POLAR OPPOSITE TO SING SOME FUCKING COUNTRY SONG OR SOMETHING. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???
I listened to it on youtube. I don’t know what to think.
Seriously though, the only duet that would be better than that is the weird-as-hell Mark Lanegan/Anneke van Giersbergen combo (because clearly Vibeke Stene has fallen off the face of the earth). I think my head would explode. The weird thing is that they’re both randomly appearing for random bands all the time. IT COULD HAPPEN. STAY TUNED.
Okay, let’s continue. It’s business time.
The Anti-Hero Section
Epica –
Holy shit, Mark Jansen. You commenting on the state of world politics with your holier-than-thou ultra-pretentious lyric style IS SO CUTTING EDGE AND ENTERTAINING. I mean, no one in the history of music has made such insightful commentary on politics and the state of the world. ESPECIALLY NOT RECENTLY.
You know…because they already did all that…probably. Just as poorly.
http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/17719807.jpg
…Yeah. You should probably just let Simone write the lyrics, bro. Because I hate you.
Nightwish –
Here’s what I had typed out in a (quite fearsome) notepad document from my Nightbox visits and Nightwish listening sessions in preparation for this section:
THE KRAKEN = porn.I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. Attempting to translate to human-speak would be useless; I think I've said everything that can possibly be said already anyway. SEXYOGURT ALL-STARS.
LOOK AT ALL THIS FUCKING YOGURT
OGOD MAIN PIC (brazil)
Haert asks Plaesure Faerst is 4x better when eardrums damaged cause volume
Still just mediocre, mediocre is spelled weird
APPLES
Those crazy turks
HITLER BLOCKING ANETTE PICTURES
Correction: Zombie Hitler
Demo 2012 – wonder if that random dude knows how much free publicity we gave him
In case you didn't know (no one did), that's what I'm calling Nightwish from now on. Try to keep up.
Side note – The Original: As noted by nDroae a while back, (because of course I’d pay attention to the most insane internet person I know) I think I’m turning into fujikiri…at least as far as how I relate to Nightwish and other symphonic metal bands. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I guess I should expect to become obsessed with Alex Turner and The Beatles at some point. It had to happen to someone. Continuing along that train of thought…
http://i.imgur.com/Yofoq.jpg
Leela represents Nightwish. Bender represents me.
Tristania – God damnit.
Sabaton – Motherfuckers basically broke up. One day before April Fools’ Day. And then basically reformed today, with mostly new members. What? Way to confuse the shit out of me for a couple days. Oh well, they were getting boring anyway.
Queens of the Stone Age – JOSH HOMME. While it’s true, your weird sidebars intrigue the fuck out of me (see: Eagles of Death Metal, Them Crooked Vultures, above duet, UNKLE, probably billions more), it’s about time you got back to fucking BUSINESS.
Kamelot – HURRY UP SO I CAN MOCK YOUR CHOICE OF LEAD SINGER. Unless it’s Mervin Toadbind. Or Roy Khan's twin brother, Steve.
Next Time: Triple Duel III…or some other long-forgotten stuff.
Okay, it’s over now.