The Fail Blog


13 nov 2011, 21:48

Heavenly sucks, and their latest album proves it, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Carpe Diem: Best power metal album art EVER!

Artists I could almost like, but don't:

I've spent years trying to like Anathema, but I don't think it's ever gonna happen.

Angel Witch
To dislike this band may be considered blasphemy among the heavy metal devout, but try as I may I am simply left feeling unimpressed after every listen.

Apostle Of Solitude
Riding the wave of trendy stoner doom.

A Storm of Light
Irritating vocals spoils their otherwise enjoyable sound.

I find the singer's accent too distracting to be able to enjoy this band.

Bishop Of Hexen
Exceptional symphonic black metal, though I've matured to the point where the whole corpse paint & hail satan thing is a bit of a turn off.

I tried really hard to like this band since their eponymous track is quite catchy, but I just couldn't do it.

Black Pyramid
"Fly through the flames as the sun explodes"...!? More like. Fly into the pile of trendy stoner doom rejects.

Blut aus Nord
These guys are good, but SO corny... Then again, I like Dragonforce. A little hypocrisy never killed anyone, right? Right!?

Celestial Season
I really wanted to like these guys, but I just can't get into their blend of traditional / gothic / stoner doom.

The Chasm
This album is usually hailed as one of the great masterpieces of death metal, and I was almost able to overcome my aversion to death metal and enjoy it. Almost, but not.

Crippled Black Phoenix
Stirs unwanted feelings of nostalgia.

This band sounds so much like Estatic Fear, I feel like I might as well just listen to the latter. Additionally, I find the singer's voice as well as the lyrics to be horribly corny, which is fine for power metal but not here. A shame since the music is lovely.

I might have liked them when I was a teenager, which is the demographic they sound like they're trying to appeal to anyway...

Gates of Slumber
Maybe if I would have liked this more if I were a gnarly old biker.

Green Carnation
Their acoustic album is alright I guess.

Their singer wastes his talent on banal lyrics sung to a cliche trudging doom tempo bereft of originality.

The Hidden Hand
Yes, Wino is legendary and this blasphemy; some good tracks, but just not for me.

Their singer is McGruff the crime dog.

The Kilimanjaro Darkjazz Ensemble
Very interesting electro-jazz reminiscent of Ulver's Perdition City. Perhaps I am spoiled by the latter, because I found this band mostly irritating.

Люди Осени
Some great acoustic passages and generic doomy riffs. If only I spoke Russian I might have been able to appreciate this more.

Liege Lord
These guys were legends back in the day, or something, but I spent too much money on my headphones to listen to sound quality of this... "vintage."

Mirror of Deception
Can't decide if it wants to be prog or doom.

The vocalist reminds me of Rob Zombie.

Charged goes through the motions satisfactorily, but feels like it's straining to be hip.

Passable epic doom, but very generic with mildly inappropriate vocals.

Seven Witches
Completely generic with the exception of Mental Messiah.

Manages to achieve mediocrity by virtue of being a supergroup.

Speaking Silence
I really wanted to like them, but their singer is just too distracting.

Sun O)))
Forgettable noise at best.

Thy Serpent
I really wanted to like this band, and I really tried. "Lords of Twilight" is one of the best melodic black metal albums I've heard, but... I just can't take the vocals seriously. They sound like a bad parody of "trve" black metal vocals.

Virgin Black
Too many vocal passages, not enough riffage.

Awkward (and trite) lyrics clash with the music most of the time. Didn't care for the singer, either.

The good: they almost sound just like Om. The bad: they almost sound just like Om.

Artists I didn't like:

11th Hour
Some good riffs and piano melodies, but the doom and gloom seems disingenuous.

Abstrakt Algebra
I was surprised how much I disliked this, considering Leif Edling is a member.

Aesma Daeva
Standard fare prog-metal-gothic-Nightwish-clone.

Another prog metal band I didn't like. Surprise!

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother listening to these symphonic / goth / whatever popular metal bands. They are all so terrible!

Autumn Tears
"Bestow thy dark enchantment" - are they a band or a role-playing tournament?

Balance Of Power
This band tries, and fails, to be Gamma Ray.

Brain Eno
Sounds like the soundtrack to Cosmos.

They sound like they belong in a genre containing the word "core."

Cemetery of Scream
I loved the first song of theirs I heard, Gods of Steel, but the rest of it is just unendurable.

Dawn Of Winter
Their singer sounds he belongs in a terrible Italian power metal band.

Daylight Dies
Just some mediocre death doom. Moving right along...

Reminiscent of Nightwish.

This band sounds like what would happen if Arcana and Nox Arcana did a side project together, and it sucked.

How many Nightwish clones are there? My mind is boggled!

In the end I couldn't get over how much they sound like what would happen if Ensiferum and Nightwish had a child. A deformed one.

Ghost Brigade
They sound like they belong on the radio.

Gordian Knot
Pure unadulterated progressive wankery. OMG

November's Doom
Just your run of the mill death doom. Not my thing.

Magna Canta
Sounds like a terrible second rate version of Dol Ammad.

Midnight Syndicate
This band sounds like a corny knock off of Nox Arcana, as if the latter weren't corny enough!

Decent riffs, but the vocals sound like a 12 year old boy having a temper tantrum.

Pale Divine
Killer riffs, singer kills it.

Paradise Lost
The music is great. Too bad the vocals ruin it.

Allan Pettersson
So depressing he makes funeral doom sound like bubblegum pop.

Reminiscent of Nickelback.

This reminds me of Nickelback for some reason.

Spheric Universe Experience
This band would be awesome if it weren't gay.

Reminiscent of Nightwish.

Unholy Ritual
This sounds like what would happen if a black metal band accidentally a power metal album. *shudder*

Sounds like the noise pollution from a construction site. If you were underwater.

Within Temptation
Yet another forgettable Nightwish clone.

Albums I don't like released by artists I do:

Alkemyst - Through Painful Lanes
With this release Alkemyst went from awesome melodic metal band to terrible progressive metal band.

Anathema - A Natural Disaster
I'm reserving judgement on Anathema, but I just could not like this release.

Black Majesty - In Your Honour
With this release Black Majesty went from awesome power metal band to terrible happy metal band.

Candlemass - Death Magic Doom
Am I the only one who thinks this release is shit?

The Chemical Brothers - Further

Die Verbannten Kinder Evas - Come Heavy Sleep
This could pass for an Autumn Tears album. Definitely not a good thing.

Die Verbannten Kinder Evas - In Darkness Let Me Dwell

Goldfrapp - Seventh Tree

Hibria - The Skull Collectors
Hibria managed to defy becoming another drop in the endless sea of generic, terrible power metal with their first album, but whatever magic went into Defying The Rules has faded, and the result is this forgettable piece. A single tear runs slowly down my cheek.

Gamma Ray - Land Of The Free II
Gamma Ray tries, and fails, to be Dragonforce.

Katatonia - Last Fair Deal Gone Down

Katatonia - Viva Emptiness
See above.

Lake of Tears - Headstones
I'm trying to like a Lake of Tears album other than Forever Autumn, but nothing compares. I came close to liking this one, but it just doesn't do anything for me.

Metal Church - The Dark

Olympos Mons - Conquistador
This atrocity is almost universally hailed as a great power metal album. What the hell is wrong with people?

raison d'être - The Empty Hollow Unfolds

Swallow the Sun - The Morning Never Came
I don't hate it, but it comes dangerously close to sounding like a slowed down metalcore effort. The cover of Solitude is an atrocity.

Swallow the Sun - Ghosts of Loss
A death doom album about a television show (Twin Peaks)? Maybe I'd consider revisiting this album as soon as I get an epic doom album about Star Trek.

Vreid - Milorg
Norway vs. Hitler, black metal edition. I'll pass.

Zola Jesus - New Amsterdam
Zola Jesus - The Spoils
It defies all common sense that one metalhead would prefer her newer releases over the older, darker, lower-fi stuff. Well, there it is.

Artists everyone else likes but I don't:

Boards of Canada
Burning Witch
Cocteau Twins
God Is An Astronaut
Morbid Angel
Pagan Altar
Reverend Bizarre
Saint Vitus
Testament lol

Artists so terrible I shall not dignify them with a response:

Death in June


  • Lionheartattack

    Now you're talking! Except that Vision Divine, Tribuzy, Star One (so much for "power metal" and "band" :P - godly music anyway), early Royal Hunt, early Kamelot, Heavenly, Galneryus, Freedom Call and early At Vance aren't bad - they're all good to freaking good! :) Haven't heard all from the list. Anyway, at least everything's good in your good list, except I haven't heard Seven Witches... Not much a fan of, say, Dark Moor or Fairyland, but that's not to say they wouldn't be good. Just not my bands. :) All in all it seems pretty random what bands you consider good and which bad. And you miss some of the key names like Helloween and Blind Guardian. But I guess they're on the god-tier list you don't even mention... :P

    28 dec 2011, 21:48
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