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  • No regrets...

    10 jan 2011, 17:12

    Well here I am, once again writting stuff that no one reads but my best friend and lol myself. But like if I cared, the point of all of this is to take everything out, feel a bit clean with all the shit I have inside.

    Lately things have changed, I've changed, I want to be different and I'm going to be different, this 2011 I'm going back to the sXe, no addictions and well gotta say I had a big addiction last year....her.

    I've been trying to control myself, to let her slip away, to not think about her and just forget, I still have her added in fb, in msn..I still think a lot about her, hurts as fuck 'cus I know she doesn't about me, she is happy, just like she worte on her status refering to her relationship, her engagment..."One step closer".
    So am I, one step closer, one step closer to kill the feeling, to kill the being sensitive. To stop using that, that people call "heart".

    I've been listening again one of my favorite singers of all time, specially a song that I used to listen when I was in junior high, No Regrets. That song is just so strong, just the lyrics fit my moment, fit my life, fit my feelings, my thoughts, the pain, the sorrow, but hey! No regrets, they don't work. No regrets now, they only hurt!

    I don't regret about anything, 'cus all I did was when I felt like it, when I wanted and cus I wnated, cus I loved her and sadly and foolishly I still do, but it is dying in a way, I know she wil always be there in my mind, a part of me, but I'm buring my feelings for her deep inside me.

    I guess the love we once had it's officialy...dead.
  • Okay definetly something is wrong in my head

    30 dec 2010, 23:47

    Yeah for the people (if there's any that does it) that reads this shit that I write, I gotta say something is wrong with me for sure. Really I mean come on I'm still here cutting my veins (not literally) for a woman, yeah most people would say it's normal dude you're in love (if you're here reading this 1st entrance of the journal, read the two 1st so you know what's going on).

    KURWA! seriosuly FUCK THIS SHIT! I'm here laying on my bed it's 5: 35 pm of the 30 of December of 2010, one day before the year is over and I can't fucking get her out of my head, I'm listening to Guns N' Roses fucking blowing out my ears and my brain, singing my lungs out, hitting the wall at random times with November Rain and to Used to Love Her wondering why the fuck I can't get her out!

    Seriosuly she said literally "I've never wanted anything from you or anything with you, so lets try to be friends" KURWA! You could have said that in the begining, you could have saved me all of this and saved yourself all this fucking time wasted. Where is the so called love you said, where is that I want to be with you, you make me happy? WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?

    And yet here I am stupid foolishly still loving her, can't I just cut my chest wide open, grab my heart and throw it away? Open my skull, examine my brain and cut the part of it where the memory of her is? Wish I could, but I've learned with her wishing is just a fucking white lie, reality smacks you with the truth...shame that even if it smacks me so hard it makes my teeth fall down..I can't get her out...

    And lol just saw in her homepage... "Best fiance in the world with the cutest puppy" and a pic of the guy and the dog...the doggie is cute but well what I'm complaining all about? It's my fault..my stupid ass fault, why would I even try something when she is already taken? No one to blame but my stupid self... like it says in Through Glass When thought came from the heart never did right from the start.
  • Soooo things go this way

    22 dec 2010, 18:44

    just a few days have passed since the last time I wrote on this journal, I really appreciate and thank Black_Symphony for caring in reading what I wrote even if she didn't have to, Thank you and thanks for the comment, helped a lot.

    The stuff I wrote on my last and 1st journal have ended, not int he way I expected or wanted, but they ended. Right now I feel like Crash, you know I'm never a person that holds a grude against someone and I personally don't hold anything against her, I mean for something I wanted so badly to be with her right?

    Last time we talked I told her I felt happy for her, as long as she was happy then I'd be too, with or without me she has to be happy and I'd do my best to make sure she has and have or had an smile in her face for real, and lol she only said BULLSHIT! YOU AIN'T HAPPY! Well no, I'm not happy on how things ended, but I'm happy to see her happy with her fiance.

    Anyway I feel like singing my lungs out to that song and to Slow Chemical. So thanks to whoever reads this and if not well not something you have to do XD.

    It's a pain that I like...weird eh? Hurts really good..but whatever doesn't kill you simply makes...stranger! Yeah I'm a Joker fan :3
  • First time

    16 dec 2010, 22:48

    so I've never written anything here 1st time ever, but well I'm feeling like writting right now. Things have been a bit fucked up lately, lets see how many people hasn't been through a similar situation that is causing me write this:

    A beautiful unique amazing girl, perfect in every single way that you ever wanted or wished.
    A fiance that she is engaged to no more than 8 months of engagment, that lives far from her but they've been together for 3 years now.

    You (me) totally in lvoe with her and she claiming she wants you too, but you gotta fly across the world (small problem cus of the money but can work it out), you do everythign she wnats and ask you to show her you're real and then BAM!! EAT IT ALL FELLA! she goes with her fiance to USA to spend X-mas.

    You know she says she loves you and you do love her insanely, but she seems to fucking enjoy being with the fiance so how do you feel? Say You'll Haunt Me yeah exactly like that...

    I've been listening to that song over and oper again, day after day, has been less than a week but "god it feels like forever" Through Glass Once again they make me see reality, I donno what to do or what not to, if it's okay to feel that love or not. So far I can't take her away from my mind and heart, sucks ass...