torsdag 18 Jan 2007, 7:46

Hello and welcome to my explanation of a recent discovery of mine - The Kitten Effect.

I'll start with how I first came across The Kitten Effect.

Now, you've all seen those hilarious pictures of cats and kittens with captions on them, all over the net. No doubt many of them have made you laugh, or at least crack a smile at a cat with it's head through a hole in a ceiling 'watching you masturbate', or any number of others. Not only are these cats doing hilarious things with an added healthy dose of internet humour, but they are also highly cute and adorable.

Admit it. Even if you're no cat lover, you know something inside you melts when you see a cute little kitty skipping along a grassy field (landmine or no landmine, whatever). You know it does.

No matter if the picture is of the plain cute variety (pretty much any picture of a kitten), or one containing both the humour and cuteness of your standard caption'd internet picture, the result is similar - you feel pretty damn good inside.

If you're just sitting at your computer, or wherever, and are feeling pretty down, about a particular event or just life in general, chances are that if you look at a few pics of cute kittens, it will make you feel better.

This was evidenced by myself today, when walking through Super Duper Magnificent Extra Progressive IGA or whatever, doing a bit of shopping. I was feeling pretty damn shit about things. This is no stranger to me, as my moods are kinda messed up most of the time, but today was different. I had enrolled for TAFE and been hit with a $770 dollar fee (I was expecting it to be approximately $200), I don't have enough money to do pretty much anything at all, and all the other little niggling atrocities in my life had all culminated this day, walking through the shopping centre.

So yeah, I wasn't feeling the toppest. Yet there I was, walking through the aisles, until I came to - the pet food aisle. This is where I first realised the full force of The Kitten Effect. All around me, in my hour of despair, were hundreds and hundreds of tins and packs of cat food, each one with a different happy little kitty per brand. All looking up or down at me with their content happy little faces, willing me to buy their food for my own kitty (if I had one). And despite it all, I started to smile. A stupid grin that came from nowhere, like a surprise wedgie.

And Bam! I had suddenly forgotten about my all my worries, and replaced them with happy little thoughts of 'aww, what a happy little kitty', and other such embarassing cutesy wutesy talk.

The reason for this, was it caused a rush of endorphins (and other such things most likely) to flood their way through my system, thereby happifying me.

It is worth noting at this point, that when one thinks of 'endorphins', they should imagine happily grinning little dolphins, swimming their way through your blood vessels, squeaking and squealing happiness throughout your body in their own special way. I believe this is a great metaphor to bring the term 'endorphins' down to human understanding.

Anyway, it is this rush of endorphins, coursing through the veins that causes the hapiness. A sudden warm tingly feeling, like pissing yourself in a pool. Though FAR more socially acceptable.

I think it is safe to assume that the number of happy kittens (either real, or in picture form) is equal to the amount of endorphins produced. This is why I achieved such a strong and instantanteous effect walking through the pet food aisle. I do believe it is possible to experience some form of overdose, or at least over-indulgence of endorphins, and one should seek to achieve The Kitten Effect at their own caution.

In a related story, The Kitten Effect can not only be used to generate a sense of well being and happiness, but also to calm ones anger and frustration. I believe these are all linked to the kitten's undisputable cuteness.

An example of The Kitten Effect causing one to relax can be seen on the BBC comedy show The Mighty Boosh. In one episode, Howard Moon is experiencing severe frustration, causing him to strike out violently at his co-workers. He pays a visit to the Shaman, Naboo for some advice. Naboo, being the wise and magical Shaman he is, produced a photograph, and instructed Howard to look at the photo and count to ten every time he feels anger setting in.

The photograph - two highly cute kittens in a barrel, "having a whale of a time" - the one on the left named Phillip. Naboo then staples the photo to Howard's forehead, and sends him on his way.

Throughout the episode, Howard uses the photograph to invoke The Kitten Effect on himself to quell his frustration many times. It instantly takes away all feelings of anger and discontent - such is the force of The Kitten Effect.

This is shown on the show by having calming harp music played in the background - the theme song to The Kitten Effect.

In closing, I advise you all to take Naboo's advice, and take a look at a picture of some kittens in a barrel. You could keep it in your wallet or breast pocket, and look it at during regular intervals throughout the day. Try this and feel your anger slipping away, and being replaced with the wonderful rushing dolphins caused by The Kitten Effect (the kittens and dolphins are good friends, and have play dates at least three times a week.)

I thank you all for hearing my explanation of this most important discovery, and hope that you all may benefit from the obvious good of The Kitten Effect.

Remember - stress is a killer, but happiness is just a kitten away.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v639/katanaboy/Kittens_in_barrel.jpg