1/ They refuse to accept that most people have never even heard of Skinny Puppy
2/ They refuse to accept that plenty of people who have heard of Skinny Puppy
don’t like them.
3/ They refuse to accept that plenty of people who have heard of Skinny Puppy not only don’t like them, but think they’re shit.
4/ They think Marilyn Manson
is a rip-off, the devil (not in a good way) and akin to Britney Spears
in the musical talent and originality stakes.
5/ They think Trent Reznor
is no more than a dirty thief.
6/ They think Front Line Assembly
are sell outs.
7/ They have screen names such as ‘ice cream eyes’ and ‘urban needle’ which no one else understands.
8/ They also like Throbbing Gristle
, Einsturzende Neubauten
and various other noisy shit like that.
9/ They think Throbbing Gristle, Einsturzende Neubauten, SPK, etc are good influences.
10/ They refuse to accept that plenty of people find Ogre’s vocal style bloody irritating.
11/ They refuse to accept that Ogre is not god.
12/ They refuse to accept that Nivek Ogre is not a name that most English teachers recognise and as such his lyrics cannot be studied in poetry classes.
13/ They dispute the claim that Skinny Puppy are industrial but refuse to put any other label on them because ”genius cannot be pinned down in a few mere words”.
14/ They think that ‘Brap’ should be an official genre name of which Skinny Puppy is the only acceptable band (whereas most people would think that the B in brap is a typo and should be replaced with a C).
15/ They think that June 12th and August 23rd should be internationally recognised days of mourning and are campaigning for these dates to be officially listed as such.
16/ They dress in black on June 12th and August 23rd.
17/ They dress in black on every other day too.
18/ People think they’re goths.
19/ People think they’re goths and therefore Marilyn Manson fans.
20/ People who think that Skinny Puppy fan[atic]s are goths and/or Marilyn Manson fans tend to wake up in hospital with severe concussion and ‘Skinny Puppy rules’ written on their forehead.
21/ They’re likely candidates for the culprits of the firebombing of the cars/homes of bosses of companies who practice vivisection.
22/ They use TFWO as an abbreviation in online forums and no one else knows what it means.
23/ They use ‘weirded’ as a real word.
24/ They have a tendency to draw the Skinny Puppy logo on every piece of paper, table, flat surface, person, etc they come into contact with instead of doing work, writing down lecture notes, etc.
25/ They call their pets Ogre, Cevin or Dwayne.
26/ They call themselves Ogre, Cevin or Dwayne (whether male or female).
27/ If they have more than 3 pets, the other pets end up being given names from obscure passages of Skinny Puppy lyrics, much to the bemusement of the fan[atic]’s parents, the vet, etc
28/ They would willingly sell their grandmother to get their hands on an original copy of ‘Back & Forth’.
29/ They actually *did* sell their grandmother to get their hands on an original copy of ‘Back & Forth’.
30/ And their little brother too…
31/ They look forward to the day when science will eradicate the need for sleep so they can listen to Skinny Puppy 24/7.
32/ Until that day, they still play Skinny Puppy while they are asleep.
33/ And on the bus.
34/ And in school/college/work.
35/ And whilst eating.
36/ And whilst doing every other activity.
37/ They want ‘Smothered Hope’ played at their funeral.
38/ They played ‘Testure’ at their granddad’s funeral.
39/ They try to convert all their non Skinny Puppy liking friends into fans. At gunpoint if necessary.
40/ They have a tendency to randomly quote lines from Skinny Puppy songs in totally unrelated conversations.
41/ They constantly phone their local radio station and demand that they play some Skinny Puppy. No, not having any Skinny Puppy is not good enough. Never having heard of Skinny Puppy is not good enough. No, motherf***ing Britney f***ing Spears will not do instead.
42/ They don’t understand why the average Britney Spears fan wouldn’t want to watch a music video that also happens to be an anti-vivisection film and refuse to give up their campaign to get MTV to show it.
43/ They see nothing wrong in a guy wandering up and down onstage, covered in blood and animal entrails and smashing skulls over his head.
44/ They take criticism of the band as personal insults.
45/ They take criticism of the band as personal insults, and threaten to hunt down and beat up the person who criticised them.
46/ They take criticism of the band as personal insults, and actually *do* hunt down and beat up the person who criticised them.
47/ They want to name their first child Nivek Cevin Dwayne, even if it’s a girl.
48/ They want to name their second child Rave.
49/ They go into high street record stores and ask if they have any Skinny Puppy, knowing full well if it’s not by Britney Spears or Linkin Park, they won’t stock it, just to wind up and confuse the assistants.
50/ They want to kill Bryan Adams, Nickelback, etc for bringing Canadian bands into disrepute.
51/ They will put the same Skinny Puppy album on repeat for 10 hours at a time.
52/ They send hatemail, death threats and mailbombs to any magazine, website, etc which suggests that Ministry were the most pioneering industrial band ever (or even worse, that NIN are) and then make everyone boycott the magazine/website/whatever.
53/ They look forward to the day that gene therapy will be able to cure Marilyn Manson fans.
54/ Until then, they satisfy themselves with kicking the shit out of Marilyn Manson fans.
55/ Their contempt for bands such as Gravity Kills, Filter, Stabbing Westward, etc knows no limits.
56/ Their contempt for fans of bands such as Gravity Kills, Filter, Stabbing Westward, etc also knows no limits.
57/ They own a dog and nickname it Skinny Puppy, even if the dog is the fattest known to mankind and 12 years old.
58/ They own 50 Beagles. No, it’s purely coincidental that the Beagle farm that supplies the vivisection laboratory with its animals was broken into last week and all the dogs were stolen.
59/ They also own 3,000 rabbits, rats and guinea pigs and the odd ape. Again, it’s purely coincidental that the animal breeding facility which supplied rabbits, rats, guinea pigs and apes to the vivisection laboratory was also broken into last week and all the animals were stolen.
60/ They understand and like to repeatedly point out (to friends, family, passers by, the government, whoever) the irony of Skinny Puppy being arrested because of an incident stemming from the mistaken belief that they were dissecting a dog for entertainment purposes, when the same procedures are carried out perfectly legally hundreds of times over on real animals, in the same country and no one bats an eyelid.
61/ They themselves would have no qualms about performing these procedures on lesser mortals however (i.e. Marilyn Manson fans, ravers, the morons who give Skinny Puppy albums bad reviews on influential music websites, etc)
62/ They refuse to let anyone listen to Pretty Hate Machine in peace and give anyone who tries a half hour lecture on how NIN ripped off Skinny Puppy, complete with soundclips to prove their point.
63/ They think it might be cool to be infected with rabies, just so they can say they have rabies and mean it in more than one way.
64/ Even after hours of explanations, diagrams and helpful video learning guides, they still can’t understand why more people would sooner listen to Britney Spears, Limp Bizkit and Sum 41 than Skinny Puppy.
65/ People think they’re Satanists because they have a poster of a guy covered in blood on the back of their bedroom door.
66/ People also think they’re Satanists because one of their favourite albums has the number 666 in its title in Roman numerals.
67/ Skinny Puppy newcomers ask them for a couple of song recommendations to try out and they reply by telling them to buy the complete discography.
68/ Taking a few of their favourite CDs to listen to whilst going out for the day, on holiday, etc means they lug at least 25 Skinny Puppy CDs around with them.
69/ Younger Skinny Puppy fan[atic]s hate their parents for giving birth to them too late in the 1980s to get into Skinny Puppy right from the very start.
70/ They hate their mother for not playing Skinny Puppy to them whilst they were in the womb (9 months of prime Skinny Puppy listening time wasted).
71/ If she did play Skinny Puppy to them whilst they were in the womb, she didn’t turn it up loud enough.
72/ They take the advice in the cover notes of the Vivisect VI CD of ‘play this music loud or not at all’ a little too literally.
73/ They miss the 1980s (even the hairstyles).
74/ They get pissed off with and punch people who misspell Cevin with a K.
75/ They refuse to believe the claims by campaigners that marijuana is bad.
76/ Their understanding of ‘mellow’ when asked to play a mellow song results in them putting on ‘Killing Game’.
77/ They think the ‘Far Too Frail’ video is funny.
78/ They think Lee Chubby King’s ‘Yo Pusface’ is hilarious.
79/ They hate hip hop because they think it ripped off ‘Dig it’.
80/ They hate popular dance music for giving electronic music a bad name.
81/ They/their parents/partner/lover/whoever had to build an extension on the back of their house to accommodate their collection of 500+ Skinny Puppy and Skinny Puppy related CDs, vinyl, items of merchandise, etc.
82/ They/their parents/partner/lover/whoever (or all of them) had to re-mortgage their house to pay for their collection of 500+ Skinny Puppy and Skinny Puppy related CDs, vinyl, items of merchandise, etc.
83/ When asked how they feel, they reply ’sorry I’m f***ed up inside’ or ’self abusive recluse too late for me’ or – perhaps most disturbingly – ‘deaths the only thrill’.
84/ They accost Christians in the street and inform them that worshipping Skinny Puppy is the only religion that counts.
85/ They are campaigning to get ‘Dogshit’ instated as the national anthem.
86/ They know that Skinny Puppy condemned Iraq and its use of chemical weapons long before it became ‘fashionable’ for the Western world to do so, back when the Western world still considered Iraq to be an ally.
87/ They are lobbying their local TV station to get the morning news read in the style of ‘VX Gas Attack’.
88/ If they see NIN’s ‘Down in it’ video on TV they start screaming ‘Rip off!’ at the screen until someone forcibly restrains them.
89/ They make their friends and family watch videos of obscure films just because someone told them that ”one of the characters in the background in one of the scenes somewhere *might* have been wearing a Skinny Puppy t shirt”.
90/ They turn their nose up at any band that doesn’t claim Skinny Puppy as an influence, or wasn’t claimed as an influence by Skinny Puppy.
91/ They also turn their nose up at any band that claims Skinny Puppy as an influence, and sounds exactly like them.
92/ They secretly want to be in a band that sounds exactly like Skinny Puppy.
93/ They harass science teachers, nerdy kids who look as if they might know something about science, etc to try to get them to invent time travel so that they can go back and watch Skinny Puppy performing in the ‘good old days’ again and again.
94/ They can give an alphabetically ordered list of every Skinny Puppy track ever released, recorded or demoed (including the b sides and remixes), plus dates of release and re-release, formats available, guest artists, etc, whether this information is asked for or not.
95/ They dream of Skinny Puppy becoming the most famous and popular band in the world, but if this were to happen they would then worry that Skinny Puppy had been adopted by ‘trendies’ who really are not even fit to lick the dirt from the band’s boots and so would then want them to be relatively unknown again.
96/ They buy Skinny Puppy CDs as presents for their Skinny Puppy hating friends and relatives’ birthdays and Christmases, every year, just to boost Skinny Puppy’s record sales.
97/ Instead of remembering the old motto that ”it’s the thought that counts” and acting graciously, when their 90 year old Granny gives them a CD by ‘that Marilyn Manson, because I know you like that kind of music’ (along with a woolly jumper that she spent the past 6 months knitting) for their Christmas present, they punch her in the face and storm out of the room.
98/ They will divorce/disown any family members – no matter how closely tied to them they are – who call Skinny Puppy ‘crap’ or ‘talentless’ or refer to them as making music which sounds like either ‘the theme tune from Knight Rider’ or ’shite 80s techno’.
99/ They quiz all potential friends or lovers on their knowledge of the life, works and influence of Skinny Puppy before deciding whether to continue with the friendship/relationship.
100/ They force everyone to watch films sampled by Skinny Puppy, and never shut up if they come across a sample used by the band when they’re watching a movie. (this one thought up by Johan)
101/ They’re convinced that the world is a shit and screwed up place to live and that humans will soon bring about the end of the world (or nature will have its revenge – either is a possibility) and we’ll all die, but they don’t care as long as they can be listening to Skinny Puppy as they die.