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And now all in one place for extra convenience! But I'm including my reviews that are of decentish quality (that being said, my stupid reviews of albums such as I'm Not a Fan But the Kids Like It will also be here). If you want the shit one visit RYM. Now let the waste of space begin:

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30H!3 - Want
The following events take place somehow during sometime, somewhere

I. Tapp
"Special Agent Agent Special!" Tes Tickles yelled.
"What is it Tes?" Special Agent Agent Special asked.
"I just got a call from President Obama, he said that a new threat has arrived on American soil!"
"What! What type of threat exactly?"
"One said to be on par with the I'm Not A Fan But The Kids Like It incident" Tes Tickles answered.
"Fuck me, surely you must be kidding? I mean, how do we respond to such a threat? If only we could somehow bring back the main character from the last review without having to explain how he managed to survive such an ordeal!"
"Oh, but we can" Tes Tickles confirmed.
"But how?" Special Agent Agent Special asked.
"Simple, we fuck the readers over by not giving them an explanation as to what happened between this review and the last, that is until the author feels like getting off his fat ass to write a prequel to this review that would also serve as a sequel to the first review"
"Why, that is an amazingly douchey plan! Good job Tes Tickles" Special Agent Agent Special congratulated.

Special Agent Sexy Jesus somehow magically appeared in the office. You could say it was magic.

"What the hell am I doing here?" Special Agent Sexy Jesus questioned.
"You've been tapped. It's now your job to travel to the White House to help out the president. The job will be very dangerous and you'll probably die. Also, you have no health care. I'm also not paying you" Special Agent Agent Special said in a dickish manner.
"How is that fair?"
"Fuck you, that's who. Now go do your job" Special Agent Agent Special ordered.

II. Don't Trust Me
Special Agent Sexy Jesus was at the White House. The place seemed very suspicious because everything had a very suspicious feel to it. You could also call everything shady, which would explain why it is suspicious. Because being shady is suspicious. Barack Obama then approached Special Agent Sexy Jesus from an unforeseen angle. See, unlike an owl, Special Agent Sexy Jesus can't turn his head 180 degrees so there are actually quite a few unforeseen angles you could strike him from. Back to the story.

"Thank God you're here Special Agent Sexy Jesus" Barack Obama cried with joy.
"Hmmm, you know my name without me even mentioning it. How very suspicious of you" Special Agent Sexy Jesus noted.
"Anyway...." Barack Obama said whilst trying to derail the conversation from his suspiciousness "A mysterious package arrived. Inside is a box. Inside the box is a CD. On the CD are some songs. In the songs are music. Really bad Crunkcore bullshit, but music never less. We believe the music to be a portal to hell" Barack Obama explained.
"And why do you believe that?" Special Agent Sexy Jesus asked.
"I don't, it's just a way to trick you into investigating the album. While you do so I will then destroy the world"
"Hmmm, I get the feeling I shouldn't trust you, but I shall anyway. Where is this album? Special Agent Sexy Jesus asked.
"Right this way"

III. I Can’t Do This Alone
Barack Obama led Special Agent Sexy Jesus to the portal to hell. Though it isn’t actually a portal to hell because Barack Obama is lying. But we’ve already been over this.
Barack Obama picked up the portal to hell which happened to be Want which happened to be bullshit and showed it to Special Agent Sexy Jesus.

“I must say, this doesn’t look like a portal to hell” Special Agent Sexy Jesus commented. “If anything, it looks like mainstream ironic Crunkcore crap that is probably good in a so-bad-it’s-good way”
“It’s a portal to hell. I pinkie promise” Barack Obama said.
“Wow, now I can’t believe I ever doubted you”
“I’ll be back in a second, while I’m gone feel free to investigate the fake portal to hell for at least a few hours so I can charge up MY SUPER LASER OF DEATH”
“Okay” Special Agent Sexy Jesus said.

Barack Obama left to go to his office to do some documents. By that I mean charge his super laser of death. Anyway, a few hours went by. Special Agent Sexy Jesus was getting frustrated. Apparently being half bear and super sexy wasn’t enough to work out the fake portal to hell is actually fake.

“I can’t do this alone” Special Agent Sexy Jesus though to himself. “If only someone was here to help me…”

Then BOOM, out of motherfucking nowhere Special Agent Jenkins appeared as some form of spirit.

“Holy fuck” Special Agent Sexy Jesus said while shitting his pants.
“Calm down Sexy Jesus” Special Agent Spirit Jenkins ordered. “I’m here to tell you something obvious. Something so obvious that it’s the opposite of something not obvious. It’s that obvious”
“But what could possibly be so obvious that I, Special Agent Sexy Jesus, could not work out that it was the opposite of being non-obvious?”
“Sexy Jesus, not only are you half bear, you’re also half dumbass, which is why you can’t work out that Barack Obama is betraying you”
“Barack Obama is betraying me? But why?” Special Agent Sexy Jesus asked.
“He’s doing it because you’re the only person who could stop him from destroying the world, so if he betrayed you then he could destroy the world. And that’s how he’s going to destroy the world. By betraying you. Which he already did”
“I must stop him!” Special Agent Sexy Jesus stated.
“Yes, you should. Or else he’ll destroy the world”
“Yeah, we all get that now” Special Agent Sexy Jesus said.

IV. Photofinnish
Special Agent Sexy Jesus and Special Agent Spirit Jenkins rushed into Barack Obama’s office. Barack Obama was charging his super laser of death because when it is charged he shall destroy the world.

“You asshole, you betrayed me!” Special Agent Sexy Jesus shouted in anger.
“Yes, yes I did. Now please fuck off and let me destroy the world” Barack Obama asked.
“Never! Special Agent Spirit Jenkins and I shall stop your evil plan!”
“Who is Special Agent Spirit Jenkins?” Barack Obama asked.
“What? He’s standing right next to me”
“Plot twist: You see dead people” Barack Obama said.
“Well yeah, I know that. If he wasn’t dead then he’d be Special Agent Jenkins, but he is dead so he’s Special Agent Spirit Jenkins. Because if he was alive he wouldn’t be a spirit”
“Why must you constantly repeat yourself in a repetitive fashion?” Barack Obama asked.
“Fuck you” Special Agent Sexy Jesus said.

Special Agent Sexy Jesus then pulled out his super secret laser of death. You didn’t know he had it because it’s a super secret. I myself didn’t even know until I typed up that sentence. Anyway, Special Agent Sexy Jesus blew the shit out of Barack Obama.

V. Colorado Sunrise
Special Agent Sexy Jesus and Special Agent Spirit Jenkins were sitting on a hill staring at the sunrise. It was rising because it had set a few hours ago, so it has to rise before it can be seen again. Am I annoying you yet?

“Sexy Jesus, I must leave now” Special Agent Spirit Jenkins said.
“But why?” Special Agent Sexy Jesus asked.
“Because I said so. Goodbye”
“Goodbye”

The End. Because it has finished. Which means it is no longer going. In other words the review is over.

A:
The Acacia Strain - The Dead Walk
So, have you ever listened to an album and just prayed that something would happen, something different? A new riff, a guitar solo or maybe just the brief use of a cowbell to make at least one song stand out from the rest? Well then this is probably the album you were thinking of. Unless you were thinking of any of Emmure's releases, but you can be excused for your mistake because they're the exact same band.

The Acacia Strain formed in 2001. They released their debut album, ...And Life Is Very Long, on Devil's Head records in 2002. Then in 2004 they released the exact same album under a different name. The album is known as 3750. In 2006 they released the exact same album AGAIN, that being this very album, The Dead Walk. Guess what they did in 2008? That's right, they released the same album under a different name, this time being called Continent.

If you haven't worked it out by now this band has the LEAST musical diversity I have ever heard. Not once will the song change. No, you will just be greeted by the same song, though this time it will have different lyrics. It's generally accepted that bands might rip-off another bands riff, but why Emmure get so much crap for ripping off The Acacia Strain I don't know. Maybe it's because The Acacia Strain have only used a single riff in their career. Who knows?

So let's start with the guitarists. Well what do you want me to say? They use the same bouncy low-tuned guitar riff every single song. Oh wait, but sometimes they play the exact same thing but they'll slow down how fast they play it so it sounds different. Okay, I'll admit, every now and then something different comes along (every ten minutes or so), but until then it's nothing but repetition. The guitarists only job is to do constant chugging and a half-hearted riff until the breakdown comes. I must mention, there is a breakdown every fifteen seconds or so. I'm not joking.

The vocalist, well I'll give him points for trying. He falls under the typical "I'm a tough guy" vocal catagory that applies to most modern Hardcore Punk. When he's not using his tough guy vocals, he'll try a typical Deathcore sounding growl, except he'll influence it with his tough guy vocals. Honestly, never before have I heard such cliche vocals on a record.

Now the biggest problem here is the song-structure. Most songs are around the three minute mark but those are some of the dullest three minutes you'll ever live through. Each song goes like this, bouncy Nu-Metal riffing, chugging, Nu-Metal riffing, chugging, breakdown, chugging, breakdown, chugging, huge breakdown, some more breakdowns mixed in with the chugging. And while all of this goes on you have some guy shouting tough Hardcore vocals. It gets boring in the first song, let alone the next ten.

You see, Metalcore isn't exactly known for its great lyrical output. Most songs have cheesy "I love you so much" lyrics or even worse, "I'll cut your throat" revenge type lyrics. The Acacia Strain fall into group B. Here are some examples:

From 4x4: Eat shit and live. You dug your own grave; I just helped you fill it.

From As If Set Afire: She fell off and broke her neck, further ahead in the song, I heard her, but I didn't care. One less mouth to feed, one less complaint.

From See You Next Tuesday: The thought of your genitials makes me sick and I bet you could fit five cocks up that ass.

I'm amazed. It's as if they tried to get this tough, don't give a shit attitude reputation going for them, but instead I would use the words try hard Metalcore failure. Anger and hate has been displayed so much better by countless other bands that the attempts here are nothing short of laughable.

So with all of these negatives that I've pointed you may be wondering why it gets the 1.5 rating. Simple, because I feel Burnface is worthy of a 1.5 rating, and each song after that is exactly the same. My advice, avoid this and check out Bleeding Through for Metalcore done correctly.

Download: Burnface
For fans of: Emmure, Terror
Rating: 1.5 (I thought the generic nature of a 1.5 summed up this album perfectly)

AFI - Crash Love

So, it has been three long years since AFI's last release, Decemberunderground. Decemberunderground drew a very mixed reaction from critics and AFI's fanbase itself. So I'm not sure whether Crash Love is a reaction to all of the negative feedback or just the next stage of AFI's sound, in fact it sounds like a mix of both. While promoting this album AFI said that it'd be a more straight-forward Rock album and sound like a sequel to Sing The Sorrow, which is somewhat true, but they didn't say how different it would be to Decemberunderground.

Crash Love starts off with Torch Song. The first thing you'll notice is how their songs rely more on the guitar work than Decemberunderground. Instead of filling their songs with electronic sounds there are more actual riffs (Medicate for example). Torch Song gives you a good idea of what to expect from the rest of the album. Pop/Rock styled songs, lyrics based on the concept of love and catchy choruses.

The albums fourth track, Too Shy To Scream, is one of several departures from the overall sound of Crash Love. The opening sounds a lot like a Pop Punk version of The Beautiful People, and the song itself sounds exactly like what you'd expect on a Blink-182 album.

Track five, Veronica Sawyer Smokes, is interesting. The first though that came to my head when it came on was "Huh, this sounds exactly like The Academy Is...". By far the poppiest song on the album, if it wasn't for Davey Havok's distinct vocals you would expect it to be one of the better tracks of Santi.

Track six, OK, I Feel Better Now, is the best song on the album. It sounds somewhat to similar to End Transmission with a gloomier atmosphere and an incredible chorus. It's the closest you're going to get to the Decemberunderground sound on this album.

There are only two songs on this album that sound like they would belong on Sing The Sorrow. They are Medicate and Sacrilege. Medicate leans heavily on a catchy guitar riff and unsurprisingly it was chosen to be the first single off the album. Sacrilege, despite being very whiny in the vocal department, contains a classic AFI sounds exactly those found on The Art Of Drowning.

One of the problems with this album is Davey Havok's vocals, First of all, there isn't a single scream on the whole album, so don't expect any tracks similar to Kill Caustic or Affliction. Second, his vocals are very hit or miss. They go from being emotive (OK, I Feel Better Now) to whiny Pop Punk styled vocals (Sacrilege). When they're good they're great, but when he starts whining it sounds horrible.

Another problem are the backing vocals provided by AFI fans. AFI held a contest in which fans would submit a video about themselves, and those who were chosen would get to provide backing vocals on the album. The contest is a cool idea, but the backing vocals sound terrible. They sound like a choir group praising the lord instead of backing vocals for a Rock song. They are very out of place and quite annoying.

My final problem with this album is how it drags towards the end. The first half of the album is fantastic, but it sounds as if the band ran out of ideas for the last few songs. Darling, I Want To Destroy You sounds as if it's trying to be this epic emotive track, but sounds like a really slow song drawn out for far to long. Cold Hands is alright, but it just sounds like a second-rate Medicate, I like the chorus though. It Was Mine is really just a slightly better version of Darling, I Want To Destroy You. But it too is quite bland and boring.

The old AFI are gone for good, though the new AFI aren't exactly bad either. If you thought that Decemberunderground was too messy and "experimental" then give this album a try.

PS, couldn't you come up with a better chorus than "Flash flash car crash"?

Download: OK, I Feel Better Now
For fans of: The Getaway Plan, Matchbook Romance
Rating: Four Whoa-Oh's out of five

Agoraphobic Nosebleed - Altered States of America
Some of you may have read my review of Animosity by The Berzerker. It's a great review (I can tell because one person has favourited it, not to brag...), however, I now feel like a dumbass for writing it. In the review I claimed Animosity is the most intense batshit insane album recorded. Twenty minutes later I thought "fuck, I forgot about Altered States Of America". So now, I wish to apologise for the bullshit I wrote in that review. This album is the most insane album I have heard.

Agoraphobic Nosebleed have been known for songs reaching over 1000 beats per minute (that's right, it's time to sit down grandma), which if you're retarded (a common side-effect of listening to Altered States Of America in full) means "holy fuck, this is faster than the Millenium Falcon". So you might be expecting nothing but pure speed for the massive twenty minute playing time of this album. Well no. Believe it or not, but this album is quite varied. The majority of the songs to be found here are actual songs, not just five seconds of noise. They have actual lyrics, beats and everything. I'd say riffs but I don't know if a five second track such as Fuck Your Soccer Jesus can actually contain riffs. However, tracks such as Guided Tour or They All Burned! contain neat guitar work.

Some songs on here could be called pure noise. Such as tracks twenty two through thirty five, which is more or less a single experimental noise track. Some of the songs are simply noise with the title of the track being yelled (Shintaro Ishihara And The Rape Of Nanking In World War 2) while others are the same noise-type "music" with a sample being played over the top (Micro-Tidal Wave).

Really, this is some of the most intense, ridiculous and strange Cybergrind I've ever heard. With an average track length of under five seconds it truely has to be heard to be believed. I highly recommend this to anyone who is a fan of Noise or Cybergrind, as this is one of the greatest Grind albums to come out of America. Scott Hull is truely set to become a Grindcore legend, as not only is he the sole permanent member of Agoraphobic Nosebleed, but he's also a member of Pig Destroyer, A.K.A. the greatest American Grindcore band. Oh, and he has also contributed to an Anal Cunt album. Enough said.

Download: The whole thing
For fans of: Headaches, Migraines, Spontaneous Combustion
Rating: Four and a half children blown to bits out of five

Anal Cunt - It Just Gets Worse
I have to ask, how the fuck does one rate, let alone review an Anal Cunt album? Every song sounds almost identical and the only aim is to offend. The guitarist is just doing random shit and the drummer is stoned. Their lead singer (Seth Putnam) is just screaming random crap about hilarious subjects such as child abuse and domestic violence. So let me ask again, how the fuck do you review that? Well we're going to find out.

Anal Cunt formed in 1988. The band was meant to be a joke, only record a demo or so, however in 2009 they're still going strong and they are one of the most infamous Grindcore bands in existence. How the fuck that happened no one knows. But I have a strong feeling that offending everyone in existence and thinking everything is gay might have something to do with it. Anyway, Anal Cunt started off as a Noisecore band, more or less playing whatever the hell they liked and making the lyrics up on the spot. However, they have progressed into a somewhat normal Grindcore band, now with written lyrics and (some) actual riffs.

It Just Gets Worst is Anal Cunt's best musicaly, best lyrically and by far their funniest album. The lyrics cover such topics as drugs, rollerblading faggots, babies on fire and stuff entering the album. They're at their best on Hitler Was A Sensitive Man, Domestic Violence Is, Really, Really, Really Funny and I Pushed Your Wife Infront Of The Subway. If you are offended by this album then you are clearly a tight ass. Or a douche. Or a douchey tight ass. Your choice.

The vocals, well what the fuck do you expect? Seth Putnam shows he can still scream like a retard who has been lit on fire. Honestly, I can't make out whatever the hell he's saying but I know I'm going to hell for enjoying it.

Josh Martin plays the guitar. It can be argued he's not really playing as much as fucking around but that's besides the point. While he's sitting there playing who knows what, the drummer (Nate Linehan) actually has a fair bit of talent. The drums on Body By Aushwetz and I Lit Your baby On Fire are very good. Nothing that would make the average Technical Death Metal drummer sweat, but for the material he's playing he does a good job.

It should be noted there is very little in the way of diversity. Apart from a certain few tracks including the likes of Hitler Was A Sensitive Man and Body By Aushwetz it all blends into each other, with you often not knowing where one track starts and when another one ends.

Still, if you're looking for something to laugh your ass off to while headbanging, you could do a lot worse. I strongly recommend this to no one, but it's worth taking a risk from. Also, I'll add one star just for Rancid Sucks (And The Clash Sucked Too).

Download: Hitler Was A Sensitive Man
For fans of: ...
Rating: Four because five is fucking shit

Anime Fire - On The Wings Of Hope
Anime Fire, are a Metalcore band formed in 2005 in Perth. Their debut EP, "Where the Wolves Fear to Tread", got critically bashed (especially by Blunt magazine). Well now their back with their second EP, and it's surprisingly good.

"On the Wings of Hope" is a huge step up from "Where the Wolves Fear to Tread". Musically it sounds a lot like Parkway Drive. In fact, you could be forgiven for thinking you were listening to Parkway Drive if it weren't for one key aspect of Anime Fire's sound: the electronic elements. In fact, excluding opener "On the Wings of Hope", every track here either begins with an electronic intro ("Sea of Serpents") or has an electronic interlude ("Apophis (Destroy of Worlds)" and "Mother of the Storm"). These parts are absolutely fantastic and add an amazing atmosphere to this record. The keyboards used in "On the Wings of Hope" make the song sound absolutely epic. The music found here really gives you the feeling that you're at the beach or swimming in the ocean. It's fantastic stuff.

However, the amazing atmospheric parts only further point out how generic the rest of the music found here is. Everything found here (excluding the use of programming of course) has been done previously by Parkway Drive on their album Horizons. There's nothing wrong with the music, but it feels so familiar which is a shame.

Another problem is the breakdowns. Look, this is modern Metalcore and you should expect breakdowns, but they are ridiculously drawn out. "On the Wings of Hope" contains a massive forty second long breakdown, while "Apophis (Destroyer of Worlds)" contains multiple breakdowns all nearing or passing the thirty second mark. The final breakdown in the song goes for over a minute!

The vocals on display here (thanks to Maty Rowe) are fairly good. His vocals often swap between the Metalcore styled scream and Deathcore growls. He does mix up a bit, so it doesn't get repetitive. "Sea of Serpents" is a great example of his vocal abilities.

Overall, this could've been a great record, but it's severely held back by overlong breakdowns and a fairly generic structure. I love what they're doing with programming and electronics, it's just a shame they can't back it up with anything other than second hand "Slaughter of the Soul" riffs and leads. However, these guys do have massive potential so I do recommend this to all Metalcore fans.

Download: On the Wings of Hope
For fans of: Parkway Drive, Bleeding Through
Rating: Three and a half breakdowns out of five

As Blood Runs Black - Allegiance
I first heard about As Blood Runs Black when I attended a Bleeding Through gig. As Blood Runs Black were one of the opening bands. Anyway, I wasn't expecting too much from them when they first came onto the stage. However, by the time they had finished their first song I felt the need to worship them as Melodic Death Metal Gods. After they finished playing I immediately purchased their album. Too bad it wasn't anywhere near as good as these guys are live.

Anyway, As Blood Runs Black are a Deathcore band, but they sort of standout because of an increased Melodic Death Metal influence in their sound. They do manage to be better than the average Deathcore band, but these guys have tonnes of problems on this album that they really need to workout.

"Allegiance" starts off with a decent intro simply titled "Intro". Once "Intro" is done, the album begins proper. "In Dying Days" comes blasting out of the speakers (thanks to the unbearably loud production) with a fairly good riff that wouldn’t sound out of place in an In Flames song. Follow up “My Fears Have Become Phobias” features some great drumming and a very well executed breakdown, plus a nice solo. “Hester Prynne” features great fast paced riffs and leads, and is by far the heaviest track on the album And once that song is over we hit the “transition” track.

So welcome to the biggest problem with this album. After track five, “Pouring Reign”, which is a beautiful, if overlong, instrumental, As Blood Runs Black completely run out of any ideas. And I am not exaggerating. The final five tracks are absolute torture to get through. It’s not that they do anything all that bad, but they don’t do anything good either which just makes it all the harder to sit through. “The Brighter Side Of Suffering” starts off decent enough, but it just repeats itself non-stop throughout it’s five minute play time. “The Beautiful Mistake” sounds like they took the worst parts of “In Dying Days” and “Hester Prynne” and threw them together.

But the worst part of the second half (and the whole album) is without a doubt “Strife (Chug Chug)”. It starts off like almost every other track here, but it finishes with a chugging breakdown which lasts for over ninety seconds. It’s made even worse by the fact that it is the second breakdown to be used in the track. Around half of the track is just one breakdown. It sounds like an extreme parody of Deathcore bands everywhere.

And to make it worse, there are more problems here. First, the vocals. They’re just not good. Every now and then Chris Blair does the odd growl which is actually quite good, but the majority of the time he sounds like a fifth-rate Tomas Lindberg. Blair even goes as far as to throw in the odd pig squeal every now and then (such as in “In Dying Days”), which too are poorly done.

A lot of the things found in this album just aren’t needed. The gang vocals seem forced and out of place. The breakdowns are far too overlong, even for a Deathcore band. The production is unnecessarily loud. There’s loud, and then there’s this. It’s seriously the loudest album I have ever heard.

But despite all the problems I have with this release, it’s actually quite decent. Sure, it’s repetitive and it runs out of ideas, but the riffs and leads are generally quite good, and some of the breakdowns are perfectly executed. So if you’re a Deathcore fan, give this a listen. Everyone else should probably approach this with caution.

Download: In Dying Days
For fans of: Salt the Wound, The Black Dahlia Murder
Rating: 3.0

Austrian Death Machine - Total Brutal
Austrian Death Machine is a novelty Thrash Metal side-project of Tim Lambesis, better known as the vocalist of As I Lay Dying (or As I Lay Crying, as noted by Ahhhnold). Anyway, this is definatley not serious music. Think of it as the awesomest tribute to the worlds greatest actor and mountain, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now, I was very cautious going into this album as I expected a bunch of half assed riffs and generally boring Thrash Metal. I was wrong.

Now I don't know whether this is a sign of a decaying Thrash Metal scene or just a generally good band, but Total Brutal is better than ninty percent of the current serious Thrash Metal bands around. Yeah, this isn't groundbreaking Reign In Blood material on display, but it's nothing but a bunch of pure awesomeness that doesn't need to break new ground to be great.

Tim Lambesis plays ALL of the instruments on this album. I have to say, he has some talent. Yeah, there's no Necrophagist technicallity or Brain Drill wankery on display here, but he's really solid on all the instruments. And his vocals are actually quite good. There's no Metalcore whining to be found here. Seriously, there are some great riffs to be found on this album (Get To The Choppa is the obvious sample). It also contains some great guitar solos (though Lambesis doesn't perform these, instead some guy from some random crappy band plays a great solo). Honestly, I was really suprised by the talent shown here. And, suprisingly, there are only a few breakdowns across the whole album. Nice.

The lyrics, well what do you expect? Do NOT expect any deep poetry or meaningful commentary on the current state of the world. Instead, be prepaired for songs about how Predator is a huge douchebag (face it, he beat you, there was no need to set off that fucking bomb asshole) or how Ahhhnold is a cybernetic organism with living tissue over metal endoskeleton. If you've seen the movies mentioned in the songs it'll add more to the experience.

However, there are some problems. The first one really doesn't have to do with the music, but Lambesis himself. In the notes and even during one of the sketch tracks he talks about how "each song took only an hour to write and how fantastic they are". Seriously, he seems like he's just stroking his ego in an attempt to prove how great he is. Yeah, whatever, we get it, you kick ass.

Second, the sketch tracks. Now the guy who does the Arnold vocals (Chad Ackerman, vocalist of Destroy The Runner) does a great job. He gives one of the more believable impersonations I've heard. However, seven of the seventeen tracks are sketch tracks which mainly involve Arnold talking to Lambesis. Yeah, they're not funny. Infact, they're quite annoying, especially once you've listened to the album multiple times. The first sketch is fine because it acts as an intro, but the rest just get in the way of the songs. They seem like they were only put there to remind people who aren't familiar with Arnold (which is no one, seeing as Arnold has kicked the ass of everyone on the planet) that this is a parody.

So in conclusion, if you're looking for some great riffs and vocals with some hot Schwarzenegger action on the side then look no further, this is the album for you.

Download: Get To The Choppa
For fans of: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Suicidal Tendencies, Pumping Iron
Rating: Four ice puns out of five

Austrian Death Machine - A Very Brutal Christmas
So by now you should all know who Austrian Death Machine are. If not, Austrian Death Machine is a novelty Thrash Metal side-project of Tim Lambesis (vocalist of As I Lay Dying). Anyway, this is Austrian Death Machine's second release for 2008 (their first being their underrated debut, Total Brutal). Anyway, this is a mostly unnecessary release, as it contains only one unreleased song (a cover of Jingle Bells), a track off their debut (Get to the Choppa) and an unreleased at the time cover of Judas Priest' Hell Bent for Leather (now available on Double Brutal).

Anyway, the album starts off with Jingle Bells. This is the highlight of the album. The chorus is awesome, with Lambesis yelling and growling "Jingle all the way". However, the song fails when it comes to the verses. The song swaps to Arnold Schwarzenegger (voiced by Chad Ackerman) talking about how Santa should loose weight or else there will be no cookies for him. It seems out of the place and those parts should've been swapped for something similar to the faster paced chorus. I'd like to note the awesome guitar solo which perfectly captures the sound of Christmas and Thrash Metal. Fuckin' awesome.

The second track, Get to the Choppa was the highlight of Total Brutal and it's still just as awesome here. It contains a great riff, awesome (catchy) chorus and a kick ass solo. However, the song is letdown by the random breakdown at the end of the song. It's out of place and it really shouldn't be there.

The last track is a huge letdown. While the two previous tracks are awesome, Hell Bent for Leather is goddamn awful. It has an epic guitar solo, but it contains some terrible clean vocals in which Tim Lambesis tries to imitate Rob Halford and fails miserably. Throw in a lot of chugging guitars and a what the fuck? moment near the end when some guy pretending to be a chicken starts singing.

So overall this release is quite pointless. If you have both Total Brutal and Double Brutal then don't even bother with this. But if you don't, then this is worthy of the one dollar it goes for on Amazon.

Download: Jingle Bells
For fans of: Municipal Waste, Santa Claus
Rating: 3.5

B:
Behemoth - Evangelion
The biggest disappointment of the year? Well no, that would go to "Deflorate" by The Black Dahlia Murder, but this album comes a very close second. After the mixed reception that "The Apostasy" received, I was told by Behemoth fans that is a return to form and one of the greatest albums they've recorded yet. That would be true if this album stopped after the track "Transmigrating Beyond Relams ov Amenti", but this album doesn't, and that's what seals this albums fate as just another average release.

Anyway, just like the last few Behemoth albums this is technical and brutal Blackened Death Metal. There's nothing new to be heard here, just solid Behemoth. The album kicks off with "Daimonos". Beginning with what sounds like an audio clip left off the latest Karl Sanders release, the actual song soon kicks in with some double bass drumming and guitar work very similar to that found on a Nile album. It's not long until you've reached the peak of the album, "Ov Fire and the Void". Starting off with some amazing drumming and guitar work that's firmly in synch with each other, the song quickly descends into one of the most epic tracks Behemoth have recorded. This is the type of song you'd play while your army is marching into battle.

However, after track four, "Transmigrating Beyond Realms ov Amenti", the album quickly becomes nothing but bland and faceless Blackened Death Metal. There's nothing all that bad about tracks such as "He Who Breeds Pestilence" or "Alas, Lord Is Upon Me", but there's nothing to really praise about them either. Tracks five through eight just sound like the first four tracks recycled and shuffled about. The huge dip in quality wouldn't be so noticeable if these tracks weren't lumped together. If they were mixed with the better opening tracks then the album would have flowed better as there'd be no massive dip in quality, but they aren't, which is one of the biggest problems with "Evangelion".

That being said, the album does go out on a very high note. The final track, "Lucifer", is an absolute monster of a song. Eerie, creepy, intense and epic are just a few of the words you could use to describe this track. Fusing doom elements with Behemoths trademark sound, this is the most unique track on the album.

Now even though this album contains some great riffing and outstanding drumming, one of the problems with it are the vocals. Nergal's vocals are decent, but he lacks any real range and his vocals can become very tiring. His voice is fairly unique, sounding like a roar instead of full on growling, but the tone of his voice barely changes throughout the whole album.

So it's a shame that I can only give this an album an average rating. It starts off great, but pacing problems and repetitive vocals really hurt "Evangelion". I strongly suggest you stick with Behemoths earlier albums.

Download: Ov Fire and the Void
For fans of: Akercocke, Nile
Rating: 2.5

The Berzerker - Animosity
I often hear people talk about how they discovered "the most holy fuck, I've been ear raped by the most intense band ever!!!". Normally, this is followed up by the names of either:

A)If you're a scene kid, The Acacia Strain, Suicide Silence & Whitechapel
B)If you're a metalhead, Suffocation, Anaal Nathrakh & Cannibal Corpse
C)If you're eighty, Van Halen, Led Zepplin & Deep Purple

Now, Suffocation and Anaal Nathrakh are heavy, but compared to The Berzerker they're reduced to a bumbling mess, pissing his pants in the corner while thinking how when he gets home it will all be alright, but it's never alright, is it little Timmy? That's not to say they're the most "holy fuck my ear has been raped" band (no, that award goes to Marduk. CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIST RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPING BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK METAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL), but The Berzerker are the most crushing band I know of.

The Berzerker are generally known for combining Grindcore and Gabba (an extreme form of Techno) to form the most extreme Cybergrind known to mankind and my stereo. However, while The Berzerker do reach ridiculous speeds not many people seem to mention when they slow down. See, The Berzerker aren't just pure blast beats and drumming galore. No, quite often they'll be playing slightly above average tempo chugga-chugga Death Metal before moving onto the ridiculous speeds on which they built their name on. This is quite a good thing as nothing but pure speed would get quite boring after ten minutes.

The Berzerker are also highly underrated when it comes to riffs. With all the attention being payed to their drumming the guitarists get left in the dark. However, the guitar parts on this album are fantastic. The guitar alone makes False Hope one of the greatest Cybergrind songs there is, and the opening of Lonely World is fantastic. Sure, don't expect guitar solos express but they do have some interesting riffs between all the chugging.

Next, the vocals. Luke Kenny is one of the greatest vocalists going around at the moment. His death growls are nice and deep. They suit the slower parts perfectly. However, it's when the music speeds up that he really shines. Suddenly he changes to a suffocated high pitched death growl/pig squel/scream hybrid vocal style. It sounds incredible and he spits words out quicker than a hillbilly farmer armed with chewing tobacco. The vocal styling really adds to the intensity of the music.

Anyway, if you want Cybergrind which reaches ridiculous speeds that contains unique vocals then I highly recommend this album. I'd also recommend Disimmulate. Approach their self-titled and their latest at your own risk.

Download: False Hope
For fans of: Agoraphobic Nosebleed, Anaal Nathrakh
Rating: Five hundred beats per minute out of five

Bleeding Through - Declaration
Is this album the biggest surprise of 2008? Quite possibly. After the excellent "Portrait of the Goddess", which contain a then unique blend of Melodic Death Metal and Metalcore, Bleeding Through followed the album up with what are considered as two sub par releases (both "This Is Love, This Is Murderous" and "The Truth"). However, Bleeding Through have returned and they sound more mature, aggressive heavier than ever before.

"Declaration" kicks off with the amazing intro, "Finis Fatalis Spei" (a symphonic epic that even contains a sample from the movie "300"!). This track is then followed up by "Declaration (You Can't Destroy You Can Not Replace"). "Declaration" begins with a very brief drum fill before Brandan Schieppati comes screaming in. The song contains very Melodic Death Metal influenced guitar work and some fantastic use of the keyboard (thanks to Marta Peterson) to create atmosphere. Once the song is over "Orange County Blonde and Blue" comes smashing out of the speakers. Containing a very fast and thrashy riff, the song is very energetic.

Track five, "There Was a Flood", is one of the many highlights of this fantastic album. Starting off with some light guitar work and beautiful keys (that are very effectively used throughout the whole song), the song soon retreats to the Metalcore sound, before coming in with an excellent riff and an amazing chorus which utilises clean vocals.

The second departure from Bleeding Throughs sound comes in the form of track nine, "The Loving Memory of England". Composed of nothing but Schieppati's clean vocals and some quite guitar playing, it's very effective in creating a moody atmosphere. But don't worry, Bleeding Throughs trademark sound returns quickly thanks to following tracks "Beneath the Grey" and "Seller's Market". "Seller's Market" in particular contains one of the greatest riffs Metalcore has ever seen.

However, the ultimate highlight of the album would have to be the epic and progressive "Sister Charlatan". Conjuring up a My Dying Bride atmosphere and containing parts similar to those found in Symphonic Black Metal, this song is absolutely beautiful. The keyboards are effectively used throughout the whole song, the drumming is frantic and the guitar is top notch. The vocals are very intense and quite emotional for the most part.

One of the highlights of the album is how far Schieppati has come as a vocalist. Whether it's the tough guy Metalcore yells of "Seller's Market", the emotive clean vocals used in "The Loving Memory of England" or the Black Metal shrieking of "Sister Charlatan", it's quite clear that he is very talented.

Surprisingly, the breakdowns don't pop out at every moment of the album. Most songs contain very few breakdown, and even then they're quite short, often lasting twenty seconds at max (with the exception of "Orange County Blonde and Blue" and "Seller's Market", both of which contain lengthy breakdowns)

Also, the production is perfect. It's not overly loud like most modern Metal releases, and the instruments can be heard perfectly. The keyboards and bass could be louder, but the album is mixed fantastically overall.

This is the album Bleeding Through have always been capable of making of. Exciting, fast, heavy and a tad progressive, any Metalcore fan would be crazy to miss out on this.

Download: Sister Charlatan, Seller's Market
For fans of: Parkway Drive, August Burns Red
Rating: 5.0

The Boy Will Drown - Fetish
Well this is an interesting release. For every section filled with ridiculous levels of technicality there is a fair amount of Deathcore styled breakdowns and shouting. For every part that sounds like Necrophagist you get something similar to Despised Icon. That's an aspect of the album that will probably be a huge turn off for most people.

Anyway, The Boy Will Drown are a Technical Death Metal/Deathcore band from the UK. Formed in 2006, this is their debut album and it's very promising.

The whole album is just ridiculous. Most riffs found here are technical beyond belief. You'd have a real hard time telling these guys apart from Necrophagist or Spawn of Possession. I mean, the majority of this album is pure "technical wank", but unlike many other Technical Death bands it actually leads somewhere. For example, second track "Irminslu" doesn't sound like some guitarist trying to impress his mother with his mad guitar skillz. The overly technical opening nicely leads into a fairly chuggy second part of the song. Most songs sound connected all the way through, instead of random technical bullshit thrown together for the sake of it. However, that's not to say it doesn't get out of hand sometimes. The track "Josef Fritzl" just randomly swaps between technical riffing to a highly repetitive midsection before having another quick blast of technicality and then finishing with a (drawn out) outro. It just doesn’t work very well. However, only three of the ten tracks come in over the four minute mark so the songs don't become too draining.

One of the problems with this album are the breakdowns. They seem as if they were put here just to sell a few more records and to keep the scene kids happy. The best track here, "Dead Girls", contains two breakdowns. The first which goes for around thirty seconds and the second which goes for under twenty seconds. They only service they seem to serve in this song is to pad out the length, as they definitely don't suit the song in any way. There are also a couple of other breakdowns on the album (such as in the first minute of "Barrymore's Pool Party"), but they don't stand out to the extent that the two in "Dead Girls" do.

What would definitely be the biggest problem with this album is the vocals. They just don't suit the music very well. The majority of the time they're just harsher Hardcore yells that belong on a Terror release, not on this. Every now and then there is a decent frenzied scream and some somewhat deep growls, but they don't exactly impress very much.

Also, the production isn't all that great. Clearly engaged in the loudness war, this album is loud. And by loud I mean ridiculously loud. Sure, you can hear everything clearly but it's just so bloody loud. However, you can actually hear the bass on here, which I don't see too often. It's most noticeable in "Dead Girls", especially during the last half of the song where some beautiful bass lines are played.

So this album suffers from a clear problem. Too technical and heavy for average Metalcore/Deathcore fans, but there's too many Deathcore influences for the average -core hating Metalhead. Despite the fair amount of criticism I've given this album, I highly recommend this for fans of technical and intense, if slightly repetitive, Metal.

Download: Dead Girls
For fans of: Necrophagist, Despised Icon
Rating: 4.5 out of 5.0

Bring Me the Horizon - Count Your Blessings
I once went out with this girl named Steve. Now I realise that Steve was a weird name for a girl so I just thought that it must be short for Stevely or Steviosa. Anyway, I met Steve at a Bring Me the Horizon concert. She had straight black hair, lovely blue eyes with eyeliner surrounding them and she was wearing tight red skinny leg jeans. It was love at first sight. So I went over to Steve and flirted with her. During the concert we moshed together, screamed out Oli's name together (I only did this to fit in, but anyway) and we swore like sailors like all rebelious teenagers do. At the end of the concert Steve gave me her number and told me to call her.

One week later I called Steve and asked if she wanted to do something. She said yeah and we went to see a movie. Steve said we should see The Eye because it looks good. I secretly thought that it looked like American-ised remake crap that will obviously be nowhere near as good as the original but Steve wanted to see it so we did. About half way through the movie I put my arm around Steve's shoulder. She looked at me and smiled. We then continued watching the movie. It sucked, but I was getting somewhere with Steve and that's all that matters.

I had been dating Steve for a month before we first made out. On that day Steve arrived at my house early in the morning. Steve was crying because some bullies beat the shit out of her for wearing eyeliner. I don't why a bully would be the crap out of a girl for wearing eyeliner, but I did know that I would fuck those bullies up the next time I saw them. Anyway, Steve spent the rest of the day in my arms while I comforted her. Right before she went home we started making out. Her lips weren't very soft, but who cares, I loved Steve and that's all that matters.

After dating for six months Steve and I finally decided to take the next step. I invited her over on a Friday night. My parents had gone out to watch my sister to perform in some play so Steve and I would be all alone. Steve arrived exactly on time. We went to my room. When in there Steve took off my shirt and pushed me onto the bed. I like an aggressive girl so I went along with it. After a few minutes Steve asked for a condom. I couldn't work out why she would need a condom so I asked. Steve then pulled down her pants only to reveal a massive hard white cock and testicles covered in black pubes. It turns out Steve was a guy.

So why do I dislike this album? Simple, because all Bring Me The Horizon fans wear eyeliner, have long straight hair and wear female suited clothing regardless of their gender, and that makes it really hard to pick up chicks at concert when they look exactly the same as the guys.

One last thing, this album also contains terrible vocals, some decent but generic Deathcore riffing, a horrible drum sound and atrocious lyrics.

Bring Me the Horizon - Suicide Season
Bring Me the Horizon, along with Job for a Cowboy and Suicide Silence, were the leaders of the Deathcore scene. Having formed in 2004, they quickly released their debut EP, "This is What the Edge of Your Seat Was Made For" in the same year of their formation. Two years later they released "Count Your Blessings", a more Deathcore styled release than the mostly Metalcore sound of their debut EP. Following the release of Count Your Blessings Bring Me the Horizon quickly gained a rapidly expanding fanbase. No band in the Deathcore scene were bigger than they were. However, then they released "Suicide Season".

Suicide Season is quite a big departure from Count Your Blessings. First of all, the whole Deathcore sound has been thrown away and they are now an incredibly mainstream Metalcore band. I'm not sure what inspired the change in sound. I don't know whether Bring Me the Horizon grew bored of the Deathcore scene and wanted to change things with a new, improved sound or if they sold out for the $$$. Though I can tell you this: If they did it for the former then they failed. Big time.

Like I've already said, this album is very mainstream. From the vocals to the general heaviness of the record, everything has been toned down. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to hear tracks from this album on commercial radio. Most songs here are quite catchy and very accessible, perfect for someone looking to get into Metal music. However, this album also sounds dumbed down. Sure, they have somewhat experimented with electronic effects ("Chelsea Smile" for example) and guest vocalists ("Football Season Is Over") but this album is really quite simple.

Let's start with the vocals. Oliver Sykes was never a good vocalist, and it is more obvious on this album than ever before. More or less abandoning his growls for some terrible hybrid of screaming and talking, it was a bad decision. His vocals sound like some angry pissed off riot guy yelling at the government for screwing him over in workplace choices. He's at his worst on "Chelsea Smile" where his vocals (especially during the opening of the song) sound more like rhythmic speaking than singing. He manages to sound pretty pissed off on tracks such as "No Need for Introductions, I've Read About Girls Like You on the Back of Toilet Doors", but it comes at the expense of sounding like he's trying too hard.

The riffs here are quite catchy. Sounding quite simple yet bouncy, it's hard to get the riffs found in "Chelsea Smile" and "It Was Written in Blood" out of your head. However, that's not to say they're good. Almost all of them sound the same, and you could swap one with the other and not really take any notice. They do their job decently enough, but when you listen to other Metalcore bands such as Bleeding Through and Parkway Drive you can't help but feel disappointed with what Bring Me the Horizon have done.

The drumming, well it's nothing great. Pretty standard really. They more or less play along with the guitars and don't really achieve anything interesting. Also, they have the horrible triggered Metalcore sound to them which is really distracting. It just sounds so mechanical. While that sound can work well in bands such as The Amenta, it just sounds horrible here.

I don't even know where to begin with the lyrics. They're everything that is bad about Metalcore. Coming across as ridiculously cheesy and stupid, I strongly recommend you avoid reading them. It's as if Oli is trying to be deep and meaningful, but crap like "We will never sleep 'cos sleep is for the weak" and "We stare at broken clocks, the hands don't turn anymore" is just downright embarrassing. And I won't even bring up the lyrics to "Sleep With One Eye Open", which contains lyrics that would even make I Killed the Prom Queen cringe.

Honestly, there is very little to like in this album. Almost everything here has been done better elsewhere. The vocals are horrible, the guitar work and drumming is average and the songs themselves aren't even memorable. Whether it's the fast paced "No Need for Introductions, I've Read About Girls Like You on the Back of Toilet Doors" or mainstream radio fodder of "Suicide Season", everything here is completely forgettable.

Though not related to the album all that much, I find it funny how the media has become much more supportive of Bring Me the Horizon with the released of this album. Previously criticizing them for being a mainstream attempt at Death Metal, they now support them despite the fact they've become even more commercial. Anyone reading this, just stick to "Count Your Blessings". It's far better than the mess that is "Suicide Season".

Download: The Comedown
For fans of: Anime Fire, Still Remains
Rating: One star out of five.

Brokencyde - I'm Not a Fan But the Kids Like It
The following events take place between 9 AM and 11 AM.

“Special Agent Jenkins” says Tes Tickles. “He’s the best in the field. He’s had eight years experience in the field, he grew up on a field, he played football on a field at high school and his middle name just happens to be field”
“What is your point?” Special Agent Agent Special asks.
“I don’t know, I just don’t know”
“Well then shut the fuck up” Special Agent Agent Special orders. “Now when will Special Agent Jenkins be arriving?”
“In ten minutes” replies Special Agent Sexy Jesus as he sexily walks into the room.

Special Agent Sexy Jesus has sexy hair, a sexy forehead, a sexy penis tucked in his sexy underpants concealed under his sexy pants and a very sexy name. Infact, he has a very sexy secret. He’s incredibly sexy.

“Damn it Sexy Jesus! What the fuck did I say about being so sexy?” Special Agent Agent Special yelled.
“You said it made me seem incredibly sexy” Special Agent Sexy Jesus responded.
“You know it biatch” Special Agent Agent Special said.

Special Agent Secretary then walked in the room.

“Special Agent Jenkins is here. And he’s sexy” Special Agent Secretary stated.
“BUT I’M SEXY!” Special Agent Sexy Jesus roared.
“Tell him to come in” Special Agent Agent Special ordered.

Special Agent Jenkins walked in the room. Just like Special Agent Sexy Jesus, he was incredibly sexy. So sexy, that you might say they could be twins.

DUM DUM DUM

“I’m Special Agent Jenkins” Special Agent Jenkins said. “I’m also incredibly sexy”
“So we’ve noticed” Special Agent Agent Special said. “Listen, we have received a mysterious package in the mail. It is square shaped and comes from Iraq. It could be a bomb, so we have called you here to make sure it’s handled carefully”
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it” Special Agents Jenkins said in a sexy manner. “After all, Looking After Crap Carefully is middle name”
“I thought it was Fields?”
“Oh, but it is” Special Agent Jenkins responded.
“Wow, that is so sexy” one onlooker commented.
“Well Special Agents Jenkins, we’ll leave you and Special Agent Sexy Jesus alone to work out what this package is”
“I don’t play well with others” Special Agent Sexy Jesus warned.
“Yeah well I play very well with others” Special Agent Jenkins replied.
“Is that a threat?” Special Agent Sexy Jesus asked.
“I don’t know, is it cold in here or is your penis just naturally that small?”
“I know you are but what am I?” Special Agent Sexy Jesus asked.
“Cut it out” Special Agent Agent Special ordered. “This is a matter of high security, now get on with it”
“Oh I love getting on with it” Special Agent Sexy Jesus said.
“I’m sure by it you meant your mothers penis” Special Agent Jenkins added.

Test Tickles and Special Agent Agent Special left the room. Special Agent Jenkins grabbed the package and tore it open with his teeth. Because he’s half bear. Half sexy bear that is.

“It is a CD!” Special Agent Jenkins exclaimed.
“What is it called?” Special Agent Sexy Jesus asked.
“I’m Not A Fan But The Kids Like It, by Brokencyde” Special Agent Jenkins replied.
“Brokencyde, that’s Islam for I’m a Terrorist” Special Agent Sexy Jesus stated. “And I’m Not A Fan But The Kids Like It is clearly some sort of hidden message, but what?”
“Maybe, and this is a big maybe, but maybe it is code for I’m A Terrorist…And Fuck Yeah I Like It?”
“Damn it Jenkins, you’re right! You sexy motherfucker!” Special Agent Sexy Jesus cheered.
“Why thank you Sexy Jesus. If I may say, you’re quite sexy yourself”

Special Agent Sexy Jesus leant over to Special Agent Jenkins.

“Do me, right here right now” Special Agent Sexy Jesus whispered. “The sexual tension is getting too hot to handle”
“Well, if you can’t handle the heat then stay out of the kitchen”

Special Agent Jenkins then viciously blew Special Agent Sexy Jesus.

TWENTY THREE SECONDS LATER

“Wow, that was amazing” Special Agent Sexy Jesus said.
“As true as that is, we should probably start our mission” Special Agent Jenkins said.
“Oh yeah” Special Agent Sexy Jesus responded.

Special Agent Jenkins withdrew the CD from the case and put it in the CD player. He pressed play. Really terrible crap came on.

“OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS THAT CRAP?” Special Agent Sexy Jesus cried.
“I don’t know, block your ears!!!!!!!!” Special Agent Jenkins warned.

Both Special Agents blocked their ears as the intro played. It finished. Then the abomination known as Freaxxx came on.

“What is this?” Special Agent Sexy Jesus asked.
“Freaks, with triple x” Special Agent Jenkins replied.
“I feel dirty just from listening to this”
“If you feel dirty now wait until we hit Sex Toys”
“There’s Sex Toys?” Special Agent Sexy Jesus questioned.
“I haven’t seen a case were there weren’t sex toys involved”

TWELVE MINUTES LATER

Jenkins and Sexy Jesus had now arrived at Get Crunk! The effects of the terrible music had started to reveal cracks in Jenkins impossibly sexy exterior.

“Sexy Jesus” Jenkins murmured.
‘Yes honey” Sexy Jesus answered.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to make it. This music…., it’s vile, it’s like deaths slow embrace, but with a terrible Crunkcore soundtrack”
“Don’t give up on me Jenkins god damn it! You will survive this!”
“It’s okay Sexy Jesus, I can accept my fate”

ANOTHER TWENTY MINUTES LATER

Jenkins seemed to be making a recovery. Sexy Jesus had healed him back to full health with his sexiness. However, the next beast Jenkins and Sexy Jesus had to tame was just around the corner.

“What track are we at?” Jenkins asked.

Sexy Jesus looked at the tracklisting. He dropped the CD out of shock.

“No, this can’t be” Sexy Jesus muttered.
“What is it babe?” Jenkins asked.
“No, no, noooooooooooooooooooooo!” Sexy Jesus cried.
“Sexy Jesus you’re scaring me” Jenkins stated.
“Good, you should be scared” Sexy Jesus warned. “I’m afraid the next track might be our last”
“What, you can’t mean….”
“Oh yes” Sexy Jesus answered, thus confirming Jenkins worst fear. “It’s Sex Toys”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Jenkins screamed in agony.

TEN MINUTES LATER, IN THE AFTERMATH OF SEX TOYS

The room was covered in smoke and debris. Sex Toys had ravaged the room. What used to be a CD player and a table and chairs is now a CD player and table and chairs. Except the chairs had been knocked over. Sexy Jesus and Jenkins had been separated in the catastrophic event.

“Jenkins!!!!!” Sexy Jesus cried out. “Jenkins, where are you god fucking damn it!”

Sexy Jesus crawled around the room for a whole half an hour. Eventually he came across Jenkins pinned down under one of the knocked over chairs.

“Jenkins, I found you!” Sexy Jesus exclaimed.
“Sexy Jesus” Jenkins stuttered. “I don’t think I’m going to make it, I can’t go on. The mammoth wait of the chair has crushed my spinal cord”
“Don’t say that Jenkins, you’re going to make it!”
“No Sexy Jesus, no I’m not” Jenkins cried. “It’s up to you now to stop this from ever getting into the public. Stop it at any costs”

Sexy Jesus started crying.

“Remember me for who I was” Jenkins said.

Jenkins then died. His carcass then blew up splattering tissue and bone everywhere.

“JEEEEEEEEEEEENKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKINNNNNNNNNNS!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Sexy Jesus cried in mass pain. “I must warn others of the danger before it’s too late”

Sexy Jesus got up and ran out of the room. However, he noticed that I’m Not A Fan…But The Kids Like it was playing over the loudspeaker.

“Oh fuck….” Sexy Jesus sighed.
TO BE CONTINUED………

Is this the end of Sexy Jesus? Find out the next time some dumbass decides to renew Brokencyde’s contract!

Bullet For My Valentine - Bullet for My Valentine
A day in the life of Matt Tuck:

7:00 am: Wakes up and looks in the mirror. Wonders why he isn't as awesome as James Hetfield.
7:30 am: Sees an article in the news paper. The headline is "Boyfriend breaks girlfriends heart (and face)". Notes to self that this could be a good overdramatic name for his next band.
7:45 am: Whines in a very annoying voice that he's out or cereal.
8:00 am: Makes a trip to the corner shops for some cereal. He then pathetically screams and growls about how they don't have any cereal either.
9:00 am: Finally gets over the cereal. Leaves for work.
9:30 am: Arrives at work.
9:45 am: Begins writing “Hand of Blood“.
9:46 am: Runs out of ideas for “Hand of Blood“.
9:47 am: Consults "Melodic Death Metal for Dummies, Vol. 1" for some ideas.
9:48 am: Decides to use generic Melodic Death Metal lead #5.
9:49 am: Realises that he needs a riff.
9:50 am: Consults "The Art of How to Rip Off Earth Crisis" for some more ideas.
9:51 am: Chooses generic Metalcore riff #9.
9:59 am: “Hand of Blood” is complete.
10:00 am: Decides he needs a break.
10:05 am: Goes and fucks scene kid groupie.
11:00 am: Needs some inspiration for his vocals.
11:30 am: Arrives at Blockbuster.
11:35 am: Rents "Alvin and the Chipmunks".
12:05 pm: Watches "Alvin and the Chipmunks".
1:30 pm: Inspiration found.
1:35 pm: Begins writing two more tracks.
1:40 pm: “Cries in Vain” and “Just Another Star” are complete. Sound like everything else he has written.
1:50 pm: Realises that the EP needs two more tracks.
2:00 pm: Begins writing “Curses“.
2:10 pm: Decides to make “Curses” sound like some sappy radio balled in order to sell more albums.
2:25 pm: Realises that “Curses” is horrible, but it's worth the dollars.
2:50 pm: Thinks that the album might need a decent song in order to get somewhere.
6:00 pm: Finally comes up with a good song. Begins writing “No Control“.
6:30 pm: Adds a lot of guitar chugging and screams in order to keep Metalheads happy.
6:45 pm: Realises that that would piss off his twelve year old fangirls.
6:50 pm: Inserts some God awful clean vocals and gang shouts.
7:00 pm: Goes home instead of spending time rearranging the track listing to give the album some decent flow.

Bullet For My Valentine - Scream Aim Fire
If you are a Metalhead or even just slightly familiar with the Metal community you will have heard about Bullet For My Valentine. What you've heard about them will have a lot to do with who you heard it from:

Scene Kid: Yeah, Bullet For My Valentine are just about the greatest band ever. Their last album is a Thrash Metal classic! I Heart Matt Tuck!
Headbanger Dude: Bullet For My Valentine? Bullet For My Valentine can suck my cock! I wish I had a bullet for each member of that worthless piece of shit band.

So as you can tell Bullet For My Valentine are loved and hated in equel measure. However, before we begin the marvelous journey which is my review let's learn a bit about Bullet For My Valentine...

Bullet For My Valentine formed in 1998 as a covers band called Jeff Killed John. They covered various songs by Nirvana and Metallica. Eventually they changed their name to Bullet For My Valentine. Apparently it was more over-dramatic. Anyway, they then scored a five album deal with Satan, or better known by his Earth name of Sony BMG (that stands for Big Meaty Goodness by the way). Anyway, their self-titled EP arrived with little to no real hype. It created a fuckload of hype for their debut album though. Their debut album, The Poison, arrived to mixed reviews. The sane called it a generic load of crap while Kerrang! hailed it as a masterpiece. God damn it Kerrang!. Anyway, by this time they had a mass following of fourteen year old girls. Then they dropped this, Scream Aim Fire, last year. It debuted at number four on the Billboard 200. Kerrang! weren't to impressed with their switch to Thrash Metal. Yeah, for some reason fans and Kerrang! call this Thrash. Who the fuck knows why. Anyway, Bullet For My Valentine are now what could be called the biggest "Metal" band on the planet. Now onto the review.

So you could be forgiven for expecting this to be Thrash Metal. You're wrong. Despite the constant labeling of Thrash this is still a bloody Melodic Metalcore album. Sure, there might be some Thrash influence (Waking The Demon for example) but not enough to even get this a Groove Metal tag, let alone Thrash.

Now, Bullet For My Valentine are a huge pain in the ass. You see I don't mind their music a fair portion of the time. It's the vocals that kill the experience for me. Matt Tuck really should stick to the guitar because he can't sing or scream at all. The screaming found here is the typical half assed weak Melodic Metalcore scream, not to far off that used by Howard Jones. And the "growled" vocals sound like an angry poodle. Seriously, they're pathetic. I can somewhat tolerate the screams, but the growls (such as one employed in Scream Aim Fire) are horrible. But then you get to the clean vocals. This is what lowers this release from a 2.5 to a 1.5. Can you say Mark Hoppus much? Seriously, Matt Tuck is a whiney motherfucker and he wants you to know it, seeing as clean vocals make up most of the vocals to be found here. Seriously, if you dropped them and stopped trying to create catchy choruses this band would be a lot better. DevilDriver are catchy and they don't resort to whiney vocals, so why do you?

The drumming and guitar work is typical for the genre. There's nothing out of the ordinary here. Though there are some good riffs (Waking The Demon is a highlight along with Eye Of The Storm and a few other tracks) and some above average drumming (Ashes Of The Innocent) but it's nothing fantastic when compared to the wealth of most actual Thrash bands. Just constant watered down Melodic Death Metal guitar work and Thrash inspired drumming.

Another problem this album has is when it tries to get "personal and deep". See, you know something is wrong when a Bullet For My Valentine album is labeled as a sellout. Listen to Hearts Burst Into Fire. It's the ultimate eighties song. You'd think you were listening to a hellium pumped Motley Crue or Poison. And the lyrics crossover into the I Killed The Prom Queen area. That's a big no-no, as I Killed The Prom Queen have some of the worst and cheesiest lyrics around. Also, give Forever And Always a listen. Any song that makes Lips Of An Angel seem original and thought provoking deserves a medal.

In conclusion, Bullet For My Valentine could possibly morph into a decent band. Eliminate all clean vocals, improve the harsh, write better lyrics and then maybe they will be passable. But until then look elsewhere for your Melodic Metalcore fix. Try 36 Crazyfists or Caliban instead.

Download: Waking The Demo
For fans of: Sonic Syndicate, Killswitch Engage
Rating: One and a half whines out of five

D:
Daath - The Concealers
Daath are a Melodic Death Metal band from U.S.A. Their first album, Futility, was horrible. A terrible attempt at Industrial Metal with some Death Metal throw in. Compared to the likes of The Amenta, it was a huge pile of crap. Their follow up album, The Hinderers is a solid combination of Melodic Death Metal and Industrial Metal. Anyway, Daath started building hype for two reasons:

A)Their sound was different to the majority of Melodic Death Metal around at the moment
B)Because they are a decent Melodic Death Metal band from America, a country that has a terrible success rate when it comes to good Melodic Death Metal

So, buying into all the hype, I expected this to be great. Well it isn't. The Concealers contains some of the most generic Melodic Death Metal going around at the moment. Also, the Industrial elements are more or less gone. Aside from Duststorm (which is nothing but an intro for ...Of Poisoned Sorrows) and ...Of Poisoned Sorrows there is little to no other examples of electronics or Industrial elements on this album. There's nothing to set it apart from the countless other Melodic Death Metal bands around at the moment. If anything, this comes off as a third-rate Dark Tranquillity.

Anyway, we'll start with the guitar. There are no great or catchy riffs to be found here outside of Sharpen The Blades and ...Of Poisoned Sorrows. It's as if they spent the whole writing process working on just two songs and then they just pumped out another eight songs and a useless intro. Let's go over what makes these two such great tracks:

A)An excellent riff
B)An excellent solo
C)A great chorus
D)Interesting, if repetitive, lyrics
E)Good drumming

Sharpen The Blades is truely a five star track, and one of the greatest Melodic Death Metal songs I've heard. However, this is followed up with the dullest, most generic song I've heard in a while, Self-Corruption Manifesto. This too is followed up with another boring track, The Worthless. Apart from the solo in The Unbinding Truth there's nothing of any real interest until ...Of Poisoned Sorrows starts. You could be forgiven for believing tracks two through eight were the exact same track. They all more or less feature the same song structure, the same riffs, no real vocal variation, it's just dull, dull, dull.

So, you finally arrive at ...Of Poisoned Sorrows. After a fantastic introduction to the song we get some sinister sounding guitar. It's great and a breath of fresh air on such a generic album. The song swaps between slow moody parts and fantastic speedy sections. Oh, and you can hear the bass in parts. Score. So it's a shame that the song is followed by Incestuous Amplification, which is also the last track on the album. Compared to the other eighty percent of the album it's genius, but compared to most other Melodic Death Metal it's incredibly average.

So I'll give this album a three star rating. It may only have two great tracks and a shitload of generic ones, but the problem is that the album doesn't do anything wrong. It doesn't do very much right either. It just falls into the middle, with Sharpen The Blades and ...Of Poisoned Sorrows saving this from being forgotten.

Download: Sharpen The Blades, ...Of Poisoned Sorrows
For fans of: Dark Tranquillity, Slowmotion Apocalypse
Rating: Three sharpened blades out of five

Deez Nuts - Stay True
Where's the Hardcore scene at the moment? Well it's nothing like the days of Minor Threat and Black Flag, that's for sure. Most Hardcore Punk bands these days have more in common with early Metalcore than Hardcore. Listen to bands like Terror, Walls Of Jericho, Against and many others. The bands all have a very metallic feel to them. Thankfully there are bands such as Comeback Kid, Verse (though they have sadly broken up) and a few others who have a more Hardcore feel to them. Then there's Deez Nuts, who have a "who the hell thought Rap and Hardcore should go together" feel.

Deez Nuts was started by JJ Peters (former drummer of legendary Australian Metalcore band I Killed The Prom Queen) after I Killed The Prom Queen broke up in 2007. Anyway, what began as a one man project soon turned into a proper band, with Sean Kennedy (former bass player for I Killed The Prom Queen) joining along with Ty and Stu. Deez Nuts are quickly becoming huge in the Australian Hardcore scene with constant touring and a massively dedicated fanbase.

Anyway, what is meant to set Deez Nuts apart from other Hardcore bands is their "unique" blend of Hardcore with Rap vocals. JJ Peters provides the vocals and to be honest they aren't all that good. He really isn't that good a rapper. He also doesn't pronounce words correctly which starts off as nothing that bad, but it soon becomes annoying. Rapping meets hardcore shouting would be the best way to describe his vocals. Also, there are some growled vocals to be found here (provided by Jamie Hope, of The Red Shore). Seriously. Track three, Love. Hate. is a good example of this. Anyway, JJ Peters has made an improvement vocal-wise over their debut EP, Rep Your Hood, but he's still a fair way from becoming a great vocalist.

The music found here is incredibly basic, even for Hardcore standards. The drumming: Standard. The guitarists: Standard. Music wise they'd perfectly blend into the crowd with other Hardcore bands. Most of their songs have a very similar sound to them (though not to The Acacia Strain levels) but they music is catchy and some riffs are decent.

Lyrically, well it's like some hardcore kid just discovered the concept of bitches and partying. Stay True is all about staying true to yourself, also known as the most cliche lyrics in all of Hardcore. Damn Right is about going out, getting shit faced, getting laid and generally having a good time. With lyrics such as "Ladies take a fella and fuck him all night until it's broad daylight" you can tell this isn't the most serious of bands, which works in Deez Nuts favour. So when it comes to lyrics you get two types:

Type A, Party) Tracks like Damn Right and Like There's No Tomorrow
Type B, stay true to yourself and screw the haters) Tracks like Stay True, Fuck What You Think and Your Mother Should've Swallowed You

There are two tracks I'd like to pay special attention to. The first, Move Back, is easily Deez Nuts worst song and just generally a terrible, terrible song. Featuring Louie Knuxx, this track has far more in common with generic radio-friendly Hip Hop than Deez Nuts Hardcore sound. The second track, Fight For Your Right, is a cover of the Beastie Boys song of the same name. Surprisingly, it's actually quite good. It even contains one of the whole two guitar solos on the whole album. It doesn't match up to the original but it's still a decent cover.

Anyway, if you want some fun basic Hardcore filled with gang choruses and lyrics about partying then this is for you.

Download: Love. Hate.
For fans of: Um.....
Rating: 3.5

DragonForce - Inhuman Rampage
There was once a mighty group of warriors. These warriors had fought through the fire and flames, faced battle in the flames and fires, marched through flames engulfed in fire and even had brunch in a valley surrounded by flames which were engulfed by fire. This might band of warriors weren’t any ordinary force to face, oh no, they were a Dragonforce. Over the many years of which Dragonforce have been fighting and darkness many rumours had spread over how the ’force came to be. Some say that they united while on the quest to save Epictonia from the mystical dragon of doom. Others believe that they first met while having group sex with numerous fair maidens. However, I would like to share with you the true origins of Dragonforce……

It was late spring and not all was well in the Motherland. Darkness had engulfed the valleys. Wickedness had spread through the cities like wildfire. Pure evil had begun to seize the land. However, the Wise Wizard of Wisdom would not stand for this. Unfortunately, the Wise Wizard of Wisdom was simply too old to face the minions of Satan and Great Lord Bowser alone. He had to assemble a ragtag group of warriors. Warriors wise beyond their years. Warriors mightier than the mightiest barbarian. Warriors who could play guitar solos faster than a speeding bullet. But where would the Wise Wizard of Wisdom find such a group? One does not simply wonder upon such a party in such desperate times of these. Thankfully, the Wise Wizard of Wisdom used his mystic wisdom which too was wise to channel the thoughts of Power Metal bands everywhere. So where was it that one would find such a group of warriors? Why none other than Gamers Workshop.

Months had passes while the Wise Wizard of Wisdom made the journey to Gamers Workshop. Along the way he fought numerous Grunts and Badass Skags amongst the various beasts he had encountered. But his Wisdom had proven too much for those that had faced him. That was until he had arrived at Gamers Workshop.

Gamers Workshop was filled with Heartless Shadow Warriors and Fun Nazis. The Fun Nazis had taken away all of the dice so no one could roll D6 to see how much damage his Dwarf had inflicted on the Orc and the Heartless Shadow Warriors stood around mocking all that stood before them as pimply virgins. The Wise Wizard of Wisdom feared that the almighty Dragonforce might’ve been slain before they even had the chance to form. However, Herman Li and ZP Theart soon emerged from behind the shadow of the Warhammer: 40,000 shelf and began laying waste to all those who had challenged them. Herman Li played scales that could crack open skulls, while ZP Theart sung about decapitating those who challenged them in the most epic of manners. This proved all too much for the Fun Nazis and Heartless Shadow Warriors. The Wise Wizard of Wisdom knew that he had found the right soldiers for his mission. He went over to talk to the almighty warriors, but then a Bullet Bill emerged from the other side of the room. The Bullet Bill wrecked havoc upon the Wise Wizard of Wisdom. Herman Li would not stand for this and played a blistering solo that caused the vile Bullet Bill to spontaneously combust. ZP Theart quickly raced over to the Wise Wizard of Wisdom. The Wise Wizard of Wisdom then told ZP Theart that he and his fellow brothers of battle shall form the mightiest group the land had ever seen. The group shall free the Motherland from the corrupting darkness and bring peace and harmony back to the land. The group shall be called Dragonforce. The Wise Wizard of Wisdom then died in an oh so tragic manner. ZP Theart and Herman Li knew what they had to do to save the land. They and the rest of Dragonforce soon set out to travel to the World 1 Castle.

After many long days and dark nights cast in almighty darkness, Dragonforce had arrived at World 1 Castle. Little did they know what dangerous foes they would soon face. They may have been great warriors, but nothing could prepare them for the coming battle.

Dragonforce entered the castle under a fearless state. Many blind Scarabs and Locust armed with Hammerbursts attempted to defeat Dragonforce. However they failed and Dragonforce continued. They soon made their way to the mystic Warp Room of Epicness and Destruction. They were warned but the threatening sign of doom that they shall meet their end if they continued, but being the brave warriors they were they choose to ignore the sign and face the strange. They soon entered the Dangerous Cavern located in the castle. Suddenly, a boulder emerged from behind them. This boulder was the size of a thousand men and had the weight of a million obese children. Dragonforce realised that even their combined harmonies and trade-off solos couldn’t even stop this foe so they ran from battle for the first time in their life. The eventually escaped the boulder after the boulder fell into a treacherous pit of darkness. That’s when Dragonforce realised that they had finally arrived at what they have spent all of their lives training for. The next battle shall decide the fate of the Motherland, and more importantly, mankind.

Dragonforce stumbled onto a bridge that was placed over a dangerously hot hellfire pit of fire and flames. Then, an overweight dragon made his way onto the bridge. The overweight dragon spat fire in all directions, but Herman Li managed to jump over the vicious beast and receive the Axe of Bridge Cutting. Herman Li then cut the bride in half with the Axe of Bridge Cutting. The overweight dragon soon fell to his unavoidable doom. Herman Li then picked up a mysterious note. The note read “The princess is in another castle”. Dragonforce then thought “fuck this” and went off to play really fast Power Metal.

The End.

E:
Escape the Fate - Dying Is Your Latest Fashion
Escape the Fate really don't do anything that sets them apart from all those other Post-Hardcore/faux Screamo bands flooding the scene these days. They make catchy songs with big choruses, have a breakdown every now and then and they even throw in some screaming. Though they do have an extremely slight metallic edge to them but that seems to be about it when it comes to the difference between them and Senses Fail. So why the hype?

Well since forming in 2004 Escape the Fate have basically taken the whole Post-Hardcore scene by storm. Their first E.P., There's No Sympathy for the Dead is one of the best modern Post-Hardcore albums release in the last five years. They then released their full length debut, Dying Is Your Latest Fashion only four months later, and while it's not as strong as There's No Sympathy for the Dead, it's still surprisingly good.

First of all, the best aspect of Escape the Fate would have to be vocalist Ronnie Radke. Unlike the majority of vocalists around today he doesn't spend most of his time singing in a whiny voice. No, he actually has quite a good voice. His vocals actually manage to convey a cocky and Punk-lite attitude, unlike those, well, Myspace pussies. His vocals take what would be otherwise boring songs (such as When I Go Out, I Want to Go Out on a Chariot of Fire) and make them interesting. Unfortunately, Radke has since left the band.

But besides Radke's vocals, Escape the Fate don't do anything noteworthy. They have lost a lot of the heaviness found on There's No Sympathy for the Dead (though it's not as noticeable as the difference between this album and follow up This War Is Ours) in favour of catchy choruses. The guitarists don't do anything amazing, and even though they deliver in songs such as There's No Sympathy for the Dead and The Guillotine (both of which were taken from their debut E.P.) they're mostly average. The drumming is completely average and you don't hear the bass too often.

However, when Escape the Fate write a good song they write a REALLY good song. Situations is ridiculously catchy, The Guillotine has one of the best choruses I've ever heard and The Day I Left The Womb makes for a fantastic climax to the album. That being said, most of the songs to be found here are let down by little things. Reverse This Curse would be good if it didn't have an annoying chorus. The Guillotine would be better without the multiple breakdowns. When I Go Out, I Want to Go Out on a Chariot of Fire would be a lot better if the verses weren't as bland.

Though the biggest problem with the album would be the flow. It starts off well with the first four tracks, but then you're hit with an average song and an absolutely terrible and overlong track (Cellar Door), then you get one of the highlights of the album with There's No Sympathy for the Dead before having to sit through three songs that sound like every other Post-Hardcore song recorded in the last year. This album would be a 3.5 if it wasn't for the stupidly arranged track list.

In conclusion Dying Is Your Latest Fashion is an above average album. It's catchy, accessible and it has some fantastic songs on it but it's letdown by some minor problems and a poor album flow. If you're a modern Post-Hardcore fan you'll love this, if not just download tracks three, four, seven and eleven and skip the album.

Download: The Guillotine
For fans of: Senses Fail, Scary Kids Scaring Kids
Rating: Three stars

I:
I Set My Friends On Fire - You Can't Spell Slaughter Without Laughter
Oh God, this should be terrible. I mean, really, this should be the horrible unwanted offspring of BrokeNCYDE and Attack Attack!. But somehow, and for some twisted reason that I cannot explain, this album is fun and, dare I say, enjoyable.

Anyway, you probably know I Set My Friends On Fire from Myspace. Their cover of Soulja Boy's Crank That was everywhere. It was getting so many plays that Myspace deleted their page because they thought that I Set My Friends On Fire were using some software to gain all the plays. Anyway, after all that shit was sorted out Epitaph Records signed them. This lead to the release of this album, You Can't Spell Slaughter Without Laughter.

First of all, let me paint a picture in your mind of what this album could be summed up as (in a convenient step-by-step plan):

1.Electro beats
2.Breakdowns
3.Screamed vocals
4.Humour
5.Whiny Pop Punk vocals
6.???
7.Profit

Yes, that's a perfect description. Notice how that reads as a list of stuff you shouldn't combine? Well this album does combine all that, and it doesn't turn out half bad. I mean, it's catchy, it has enough br00tal parts to keep the kids happy and it's big dumb entertaining fun.

The album starts off with the "skit" Shit It Talks...I'm Out Of Here. I don't know what the fuck the thing in this is meant to be, but it sounds like Elmo has suddenly turned into a paedophile pumped full of crack. Either way, it's pretty stupid and it really starts to get annoying after a few plays.

The next track, Brief Interviews With Hideous Men sounds more less what every other track on this album sounds like. Starting off with some electro sample/beat with screamed vocals, followed up by some clean whining and then finished off with a breakdown that will more than satisfy the scene kid with the x's on his hands.

The best track here is definitely ASL. It starts off with some of the best clean vocals found on this album and it isn't overloaded with sections filled with chugging guitars. The song is very catchy and the slower, more mellow parts work well with the heavy screamed parts.

After ASL you've got a useless interlude track. After the Interlude the album drops in quality. The next track, Ravenous, Ravenous Rhinos is terrible and annoying, HxC 2-step sounds like 50 Cent experimenting with weak Post-Hardcore screams, But The Nuns Are Watching... sounds ridiculous, even for their normal standards and Reese's Pieces, I Don't Know Who John Cleese is? is far too overlong, running at around six and a half minutes. The only decent songs from the second half are WTFWJD, and their cover of Crank That, though Crank That looses its novelty value very, very quickly.

Anyway, this albums contains numerous weak points (vocals, extremely weak second half, repetition) but all in all this is fairly entertaining. There's nothing deep or meaningful to be found here, but if you're looking for a way to waste half an hour then you could do worse. Just don't listen to this more than once, it's only good for one listen, after that it becomes stale.

Download: ASL
For fans of: Angry six year olds suffering from A.D.D. loaded up on red cordial
Rating: Three WTF? moments out of five

L:
landmine marathon - Wounded
When a Metal fan hears someone mention female vocalist and Death Metal in the same sentence they tend to get worried. Thoughts of Angela Gossow and Arch Enemy pop up, which seems to be a bad thing to most people. While women can make good harsh vocalists, most of them sound the same. Light hearted growls, Metalcore sounding screams and some girly clean vocals over some generic Melodic Death Metal being played in the background. Well thankfully Landmine Marathon (terrible name by the way) have a unique and somewhat crazy sounding vocalist.

Landmine Marathon formed in 2004, in Phoenix, Arizona. They play a mix of Death Metal and Thrash Metal, somewhat similar to Malevolent Creation if they were less brutal. Anyway, this album, Wounded, is their first release and is a very promising debut.

First of all, the vocals (provided by Grace Perry) are amazing. When I found out that this band was fronted by a female I too was expecting typical Melodic Death Metal styled-growling, but Perry is far better than that. Her screams sound like a crazed woman that's been lit on fire and as a result is extremely pissed. If you have ever played Left 4 Dead and have accidentally flashed the witch with your flash light the sound she makes is a perfect example of the vocals found here. Perry also uses death growls during the slower sections of the album. These growls are very slow and they wouldn't be out of place in a Sludge Metal band. Really, just imagine Angela Gossow's growls, but deeper, slower and scarier. Honestly, this woman sounds like a mad man.

The music swaps between really fast paced Death/Thrash Metal and slower, heavier spots, often multiple times during a single song. Some songs also have a Melodic Death Metal feel to them, such as Thunder Blasted Bodies. The guitar work on that track would perfectly fit in on an Amon Amarth album. There aren't any excellent riffs to be found here, but the guitar work is good through out the whole album so that makes up for it, with the exception of Fubar, which contains very fine quality riffing and guitar work for the most part. The drumming is quite good, if somewhat generic sounding. It's speedy and it often overpowers the guitars, with the blast beats only being beaten out by the vocals when it comes to the loudness war.

The only real problem with this album is the very, very short length. You'd expect at least half and hour out of a full length record, but no, this lasts for a disappointing twenty two minutes. With six tracks under three minutes in length don't expect any epic tracks.

So while the album is very short, the variation in speed and excellent vocals really help this stand out. It's a shame this band are so underrated and unknown.

Download: Thunder Blasted Bodies
For fans of: Malevolent Creation, Bolt Thrower
Rating: Four and a half thunder blasted bodies out of five

Limp Bizkit - Chocolate Starfish And The Hot Dog Flavoured Water
You may have heard of Limp Bizkit. They're considered the most ruthless badass motherfuckers this side of Thomas the Tank Engine. Except Thomas the Tank Engine actually killed someone (some lonely old man jumped infront of the train tracks). The only thing Limp Bizkit could possibly kill is my will to listen to music.

You see, Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water (also known as Asshole & Sperm) is the worst piece of shit I have ever heard. It's like a five year old just learnt how to say fuck, watched a 50 Cent video, had some red cordial, bought an Uzi and then decided to write a 75 FUCKING MINUTE ALBUM ABOUT HOW FUCKING HARDCORE HE IS. Here, I will sum up this album in five (or six if you consider motherfucker one word) words:

I'm an angry badass motherfucker

Fred Durst (A.K.A., MC Douchefuck) cannot do anything good with his life. The asshole tries to rap, but sounds as if he has the worlds biggest ballsack shoved in his mouth . Then he tries to do his OHHHHHHHHH YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER I'M ANGRY, HEAR ME RAWR BIATCH vocals. They sound like being aggressivly raped by a Panda with a strap on bamboo dildo. Now when your lead singer sounds like a crazy Japanese fetish fantasy torn out of some Hentai video minus the tenticle porn you know something is wrong. But don't worry kids, DJ Lethal is hear to save the day!

Oh wait, no he's not. He is to busy contributing to one of the worlds worst Metal sub-genres (just behind Glam Metal, and with the way Glam bands dress I bet they like it). Have you ever been aggressivly donkeyfucked (don't answer that, I'm not your bloody psychologist, go call a sexline if you want someone to talk to), well guess what, DJ Lethal has and he wants to share the experience with everyone. But in all serious, all he contributes to this record is some scratching noises (how advanced, dogs have only been scratching their stomachs for who knows how long. I'm going to go tie my parents Led Zepplin vinyl to him so he can become a DJ), so I'm not sure why he is here. At least the Slipknot guy beats the shit out of people on stage and wears a awesome mask. What does this guy do? Cry in the corner about the time his daddy raped him (he's upset his dad never called back).

So now onto the guitarist, bassist and drummer. They all suck. Yeah. I'm not going to give you some special title like Lord Dickpounder because you don't deserve it. Though you do deserve a swift kick to the balls, I'll give you that.

Everyone claims Brokencyde are ridiculous, but have they ever read the lyrics to Hot Dog. Here, let me recite them for you:

Yo motherfucker we fucking suck,
Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck
Fuck's just word
And that's all right
Because I love to scream fuck all night
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK
MY LIFE IS FUCKING SHIT
DON'T FUCK WITH ME UNLESS YOU WANNA BE HIT
MOTHERFUCKER MY LYRICS ARE FUCKING SHIT
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK

Not the exact lyrics but they go something like that. Either way, fuck Limp Bizkit. The fact they sold so many albums is a disgrace. Shame on all you angry mis-understood teenagers. Go read something that isn't the lyrics sheet to this piece of shit.

Rating: 0%
Download: Porn
Avoid: This album
For fans of: Bondage, Torture, Self-loathing

M:
Marduk - Panzer Division Marduk
What is pure evil? Is it Satan? Or is it the Pope (that's right buddy, we're on to you)? Or maybe it's your dumbass sister who doesn't understand why your copy of Considered Dead by Gorguts that is printed on a gold disc and limited to 2000 copies means so much to you? Well no, it's Marduk. Listening to Panzer Division Marduk (that's Swedish for "Fuck the eardrum") is like having Satan rape you in the ass while Hitler stands there mocking you. Oh, and I forgot, you're also being flayed alive by Manbearpig. So in other words it's like the worlds kinkiest rape session.

Anyway, Marduk was formed by Morgan Steinmeyer Håkansson in order to be "the most blasphemous band in the world". They burst onto the scene with their demo Fuck Me Jesus. It could be argued that if this album was titled Hug Me Jesus it would have recieved far less attention, but that's besides the point. Anyway, while starting off as a Death Metal/Blacked Death Metal band they progressed to being a ridiculously intense and fucking evil Black Metal band. Well Panzer Division Marduk is their most blasphemous album they've recorded, and so far they've failed to top it.

Panzer Division Marduk easily earns the award for earfuck of the year. Everything on this album, whether it be the drums (does the drummer ever stop blasting?) or guitars is just full speed ahead. I'd like to imagine that the recording went like this:

"What's blasphemous?"
"Black Metal with a V12 engine"
"Brilliance"

And then this was recorded. Seriously, the album never lets up. It's just pure intensity. If you're looking for slow sections and melodic solos go elsewhere, as we don't want you to shit your pants while listening to such classics as Christraping Black Metal and Fistfucking God's Planet.

Though what could be a problem to some people is how there really aren't any really interesting riffs (aside from Christraping Black Metal) or any real progression of the Black Metal scene to be found here. It's just continuous speed with the odd bit of super speed.

It could be argued that the vocalist is Satan reborn. Never before has a Black Metal vocalist sounded so intense and pissed off. I think poor old Legion (yeah, that's his name) got his lunch money stolen one to many times, and now he's here to fuck up anyone who messed with him.

Let it be said, the production could be better. The vocals are pretty high up in the mix and they drown out the guitar. Likewise, the guitar drowns out the drums. So yeah, it's like Paper Scissors Rock if it was totally unfair.

So to enjoy this you must either be the spawn of hell or Charles Manson. Either way, be prepared for the most vicious mindfuck of your life.

Download: Christraping Black Metal
For fans of: Gorgoroth, Absu
Rating: Five beasts of prey out of five

My Dying Bride - The Dreadful Hours
Death/Doom is a genre filled with dark and depressing bands. Full of emotional vocals, atmosphere and long songs, there's a lot to like about Death/Doom. Except for the fact that 99% of the bands in the genre just drag on and on. Seriously, why drag a five minute song into a ten minute "epic" by just repeating the same thing over and over again? Well thankfully My Dying Bride (well at least on this album) don't fall into the trap of repetition.

My Dying Bride formed in 1990. They are (well were) recognised as the leaders of Death/Doom along with Paradise Lost and Anathema. My Dying Bride released their debut album, the highly influential As The Flower Withers, in 1992. It was unique at the time for combining growls and Death Metal aspects with Doom Metal. Though they didn't really achieve their masterpiece (well according to most people) until 1993 with the release of Turn Loose The Swans. The album was a lot slower than As The Flower Withers and featured a greater use of clean vocals. The violins (provided by Martin Powell) were used to much greater effect aswell. Turn Loose The Swans is more or less the most important Death/Doom album in existence so for this alone My Dying Bride had become legends. However, this album, The Dreadful Hours is truely their best offering by far. Being released in 2001 it wasn't anywhere near as unique or groundbreaking as their previous offerings, but it finally perfected everything My Dying Bride had been working on in the past.

The album starts off with the title track, The Dreadful Hours. The album starts off with the sound of rain and a mournful, depressing guitar riff. Then Aaron Stainthorpe's clean vocals kick in. Stainthorpe has some of the best vocals you will find in Death/Doom. He may not have a perfect voice, and there are quite a few times on this album where he does sound out of tune, but his vocals carry such emotion. The clean vocals are soft in sound, but they have such a dark tone to them that you can't help but be moved. Eventually the song picks up the pace, well as much as Death/Doom can, and the drums come thundering in. The guitar gets heavy and the vocals swap to a death growl. His death growls may not be very much in terms of pure power (don't expect some Corpsegrinder action going on) but unlike the majority of Death Metal vocalists today he has a unique sound. Where as bands like Necrophagist, Fleshgod Apocalypse and countless other bands have the standard death growl that doesn't get across any true emotion, Stainthorpe's growled vocals are just as moving as his clean vocals.

The Raven And The Rose shows a different side of the band. Heavier in tone and filled with Death Metal sounding riffs, this is quite different from The Dreadful Hours. The growled vocals carry more power and aggression without losing meaning and emotion. The keyboards burst forth in a haunting matter during key parts of the song. Eventually the song clams down and the clean vocals come in. Never do these changes seem forced (Opeth anyone?) but natural. However, the dark sorrowful Death Metal sound returns soon with a fantastic riff.

The lyrics are chilling and depressing, classic My Dying Bride on display here. Many bands try to give you the feeling of pain and suffering, but very few succeed in the way My Dying Bride do. Consisting of cries for help, sorrow, suffering, mourning and every other feeling that involves hurt this is not Metal for those who want some happy upbeat Dragonforce cheese.

If I have one problem with this album it would be the song length. Both Le Figlie Della Tempesta and The Return To The Beautiful tend to drag towards the end. Though it's understandable seeing as very few songs can hold the momentum ten minutes into the track. Despite the drag, both of these songs (The Return To The Beautiful in particular) remain My Dying Bride classics.

If you're looking for a Metal album full of raw emotion and don't mind being depressed for the next couple days I highly recommend this album. Never before has Metal been so "beautiful".

Download: The Dreadful Hours
For fans of: Novembers Doom, Swallow The Sun
Rating: Five dreadful hours out of five

P:
Potop - Channels
See I've written a few reviews before and they all follow a similar structure:

First step: Give a brief history
Second step: Explain some basic information about the album
Third step: Review the album
Fourth step: Give a small conclusion of my thoughts
Fifth step: Download/For fans of/Rating

See, it's an easy structure. But this album fucks it up. I know nothing about Потоп (English name Potop). What are the band members names? I don't know. What do they sing about? I don't know. Do they have any actual clue what they're doing? I don't fucking know for Gods sake. So what the fuck do I know? Канали (in English, Channels) is the debut EP by Potop, and it's one of the best albums of 2008.

Potop play a sludgy version of Drone Doom Metal. A fair bit (who am I kidding, most) Drone Doom is boring and stale. However, Potop are great. They aren't necessarily doing anything new, they're just doing everything right. The only reason this doesn't have a five star rating is due to the length. This album is too short! It clocks in at just over thirty minutes, and with the quality of the material on display I would gladly sit through another thirty.

Anyway, the album starts off with S.S. Eksplozija. The song starts off with distorted guitar effects (like I said, they aren't original) but then this crazy mad man sounding vocalist comes in. And fuck me, if he isn't actually mentally unstable then I don't know what to say. He has such tormented, crazy vocals that he alone makes Potop stand out. The drumming is just standard stock drumming for the most part and the guitars aren't anything out of the ordinary for the genre, but the vocals are just ridiculous.

Track two (the longest on the album with this track coming in at just over eleven minutes) has no title, but that is fitting as the track itself is very bleak with little going on. It's actually quite similar to Echoes by Cult Of Luna for the most part. The build up has the same feel of isolation and loneliness. And then the song speeds up rapidly, only to slow down a bit. But just a bit.

Track three, which too is untitled, starts off with actual guitar playing! Seriously. Then comes in the crazy guy who's screaming about something, but I have no idea what. Anyway, the guitarist more or less plays the exact same thing for the whole song. Still, the repetitive structure makes this quite catchy in a way.

Track four, and yes it's untitled, is the heaviest song on the album. The song features a riff (if that's what I should call it) that could be found in a My Dying Bride song before going off in the same direction as track two. The tortured screams really show on this song, during the two-three minute mark in particular.

Track five, Golemi Crni Lebedi, is like a Drone jam session with a constipated style of scream being deployed. Seriously. Also, the track lasts for less than a minute which is a far cry from the seven minute average track rate.

So I'd recommend this to anyone who is justing getting into Drone or someone who wants something a little bit different. Either way, make sure you hear this masterpiece.

Download: S.S. Eksplozija
For fans of: Drone Doom with psychopaths handling the vocals
Rating: four broken guitar strings out of five

R:
The Red Shore - Unconsecrated
The Red Shore are the current rising stars in the Australian Metal scene. Formed in 2004, they started off as a Deathcore band. They were signed to Big Phat Adelaide Records/Modern Music in 2006. They released their debut EP, Salvaging What's Left, in the same year. The following year they toured as the opening band on All Shall Perish' Australian tour. Unfortunatley, whilst on the road for the tour their bus crashed, resulting in the death of their vocalist Damien Morris and friend/merchandise man Andy Milner. In 2008 The Red Shore started touring again with their bassist (Jamie Hope) swapping to vocals. That year they also released their debut album, Unconsecrated.

Now first of all, Unconsecrated is NOT Deathcore. Breakdowns do not equel Deathcore. Are Dying Fetus, Suffocation or Aborted Deathcore? No, but they have all had breakdowns. This is a clear Technical Death Metal release. It's also one of the best albums of 2008.

Unconsecrated is more or less everything you could want in a Technical Death Metal album. It's crushing, brutal, technical but not to points of over the top wank that leads nowhere and it contains distinct vocals, which is rare in a scene filled with nothing but cookie-cutter vocalists.

There are many riffs to be found here, and some are absolute monsters. Just listen to The Garden Of Impurity, Misery Hymn or Vehemence The Phoenix. They all contain fine riffage. The guitar work found here is technical and brutal, but unlike the fair share of Tech Death bands it actually leads somewhere. Never do you get the feeling that you're just listening to random notes being played all over the place. There is song structure here, and it's excellent. The riffs change up multiple times during a song, but not so often that you barely hear them, but just enough that the songs don't get boring.

The drummer (Jake Green, though he's no longer with the band) is a beast. Having seen The Red Shore live multiple times all I can say is wow, he's amazing. Fast, precise and ferocious are just a few words I would use to describe his drumming style. Just listen to The Garden Of Impurity, that's some great drumming, especially for what's considered a "Deathcore" band.

The vocalist, Jamie Hope, has a unique death growl. He has this sarcastic tone to his voice that adds a lot to the songs. He is also capable of some savage screams. He's truely a vocalist to watch.

This is the perfect tribute to their fallen brothers. No one would have expected such a great album out of The Red Shore after the great tragedy they suffered, but they bounced back from it stronger than ever. Any self-respecting Metal fan should give this a listen. Brutal, crushing, unrelentless, these are just a few words used to describe this excellent album.

Download: The Garden Of Impurity
For fans of: Success Will Write Apocalypse Across The Sky, Trigger The Bloodshed
Rating: Just shy of perfection

S::
Simple Plan - Simple Plan
Normally I would start my review with a little introduction, then some information of the bands history followed by a little tap-dance. But you know what? Fuck Simple Plan and their generic whiny crap. This album is not worth reviewing in a serious manner. Why would I spend half an hour of my time reviewing one of the dullest and bland albums within Pop/Rock's history? If this band is allowed to take a four year break between albums only to release a worthless album in an attempt to be somewhat relevant in a dying Pop-Punk scene then I'm allowed to put my dream of a front page review on hold to give this band the shit it deserves.

So, where to start? Maybe the change in sound. See, in an attempt to be different and cutting edge Simple Plan "urbanized" their sound. What does that mean? Simple, they just took a bigger shit on the piece of crap that was their sound originally. See, before when they were just a horrible generic Blink-182 rip-off they didn't stand out at all so they didn't get as much crap. However, by introducing urban beats they have just opened up a whole new shitstorm. Listen to When I'm Gone. Um, is this Simple Plan or the latest Britney Spears song? It doesn't matter because:

A)Either way, it's an instant fail
B)Simple Plan will never do anything that reaches the awesomeness of Toxic and Everything

So yes, Simple Plan have sold out. Does the term sell out mean anything anymore? Well no it doesn't thanks to the constant over-usage by twelve year olds who seriously believe American Idiot is when Green Day sold out. But I'm going to say they sold because no matter how stupid that sounds it doesn't even compare to the stupidity found in Simple Plan's brand new sound. Why not just throw in the lyrics about bitches and 'hos Simple Plan? Oh yeah, I forgot, because bitches and 'hos are constantly breaking your heart so you write about that instead. Great.

When I'm Gone is about how Pierre 'Le Douche's ex-girlfriend will miss him when he's gone. Or something like that. Either way it's fucking hilarious that Pierre honestly believes he means that much to someone. Then the rest of the tracks are about how he can't keep his bitches in line or how his bitches have pussy-whipped him. Oh, and Pierre says fuck in Your Love Is A Lie. This is the highlight of the album. Mainly because Simple Plan have finally alienated all of their eight year old fans by offending their mothers. Congratulations, you have lost 10,000 sales.

Peirre's vocals are like taking a hacksaw to your ears while a chipmunk (better known by the name of Miley Cyrus) is trapped inside. It sounds as if he is trying to be crowned Mr. Pre-Puberty 2010 champion. He also sounds like his buttplug might be placed a bit to far up his ass.

You know, my grandfather talks about how he survived the war. I talk about how I survived the full length of this album. My grandpa gave me his war medals out of respect. He said:

"Those Nazi pigs may have blown off my leg with machine gun fire, but Simple Plan are a bunch of fuckwits who make terrible music. You have done your country a great service in sacrificing your dignity for the greater cause. I'm proud of you my grandson"

So in conclusion Simple Plan have a matured. Not only have they added the sophisticated use of urban beats, but they also much wisedom with the well timed usage of fuck. Well allow me to display my maturity:

Fuck you Simple Plan you stupid fucks.

Download: Take My Hand
For fans of: Good Charlotte, Short Stack
Rating: Simply horrible

Six Feet Under - Death Rituals
Six Feet Under are considered a joke in the Metal community for numerous reasons. Whether it be Chris Barnes vocals, how similar all of their albums are, the dreaded Graveyard Classics albums, or how Six Feet Under are Cannabis Corpse minus the parody part. Now I'll admit that this might not be the most innovative or thought provoking album of 2008, but for it to have a rating of 2.49 is a joke.

Six Feet Under was formed as a side-project of Chris Barnes (ex-Cannibal Corpse) and Allen West (Obituary). When Chris Barnes was kicked out of Cannibal Corpse he took up Six Feet Under as his main band. Their debut album, 1995's Haunted, was actually recieved rather well. Sure, it wasn't a classic like Tomb Of The Mutilated or Eaten Back To Life, but it was still a good album. Then they just kept releasing albums every two years or so. Where as Cannibal Corpse have become less over the top and more technical, Six Feet Under have failed to progress at all. They also released two of the most hated "Death Metal" albums of all time, Graveyard Classics and Graveyard Classics two. Neither album did any good for their reputation. And with news of a third Graveyard Classics album to be released sometime next year you'd think they want to be a joke. Anyway, Six Feet Under currently stand as the fourth best selling Death Metal band, with sales of just under 400,000. Pretty impressive for such a hated band. Anyway, this, Death Rituals, is their eighth studio album and I'd say it's their best yet.

If you've heard a Six Feet Under album before you should know what to expect. Solid (or stale, depending on your point of view) Death Metal with a large Groove Metal influence. Yeah, Groove Metal isn't exactly well liked either but it fits in well here.

Almost every song here is mid-tempo with a groovy riff. Tracks like Shot In The Head and Seed Of Filth are the best examples of this. Seed Of Filth contains a very repetitive, yet somewhat hypnotic chug with typical drumming. That may sound like a bad thing but if you're looking for something simple and none of that "oh look, my guitar skillz slay" Technical Death Metal crap this is it. Shot In The Head follows the same example. This song starts off with a good sample before truly starting off with a simple but addictive guitar riff. The drumming is exactly the same as that found on Seed Of Filth for the most part.

The album does contain some speedier tracks, such as None Will Escape or Killed In Your Sleep for example. These tracks aren't as memorable as the slower ones as there isn't anything to set them out from any other Death Metal. Well, except one thing.

Chris Barnes, back in his Cannibal Corpse era, was a legend. Famous for his low growls and his excellent grunts he truly set a great example for harsh vocalists everywhere. Well times have changed. It looks like years of smoking have truely caught up to him. While he used to be a great vocalist, now he's just a parody, a knock-off if you will of a legend. He sounds like he's fighting back throat and lung cancer with each growl he makes. No longer sounding like a demon, instead he now draws comparison with the Cookie Monster. Now, this might sound kind of stupid, but his vocals actually add to the music. Sure, he has nowhere near as much talent and depth, but his slow growls add to the groove on display here.

Now, I haven't really mentioned anything outstanding about the album, but I have to say, this is one of the most enjoyable Death Metal albums I've heard. If you just want to sit back and relax to some slow groovy Death Metal this is for you. Sure, it may not have any classic songs and quite a few filler tracks (Crossroads To Armageddon, Crossing The River Styx) but it's still a highly enjoyable release.

Download: Seed Of Filth
For fans of: Cannibal Corpse, Obituary
Rating: Four deadly plagues out of five

Success Will Write Apocalypse Across The Sky - The Grand Partition, and the Abrogation of Idolatry
Job For A Cowboy, Bring Me The Horizon, Oceano and Suicide Silence. What do all of these bands have in common? Simple, they all are (or played in Job For A Cowboy's case) Deathcore bands who had the shit hyped out of them by some guy sitting at a computer screen rubbing one out to Megan Fox (you may know her as the ugly chick who can't act in Transformers, and Transformers 2: Revenge of the Shameless Cash-In). Well Success Will Write Apocalypse Across The Sky are the new asshole hyped Deathcore band. Except there's a difference. While all the bands I mentioned are decent (once again, excluding Job For A Cowboy, they're fantastic), Success Will Write Apocalypse Across The Sky are fantastic.

First of all, you may notice that they're a lot more technical and br00tal (that joke stopped being funny before it was conceived, so in a way it's like Miley Cyrus). I'm not even sure if you could call them Deathcore. TechnicalBrutalDeathGrindCore suits them a lot better. They do have Deathcore vocals (that being said, their vocalist is one of the better vocalists), and they do use blastbeats non-stop, but they don't use single-chord breakdowns every thirty seconds and the guitar work is quite good. Their songs do run on into each other, but the album is pretty short so the repetitiveness doesn't show very much.

Second, one thing that sets them apart from other Deathcore bands are their use of samples. However, they aren't used often, but one of the best tracks on the album (Pity The Living, Envy The Dead) is just one sample. Sure, that may not sound very exciting, but it does add a creepy atmosphere to the album.

Third, the lyrics. They're actually quite good. In a genre filled with lyrics about how some asshole broke your heart (this is Metal, not a chick flick) and how much blood went everywhere when you murdered some random whore on the street (or if you're real creative, how much blood went everywhere when you murdered the asshole who broke your heart), theirs stand out. Sure, they aren't great, but they're pretty good. They paint the picture of a future where everyone is lonely and helpless. Good stuff.

Fourth, the production. It's a typical Deathcore production here. Very clean, you can make out everything perfectly. This actually hurts the album, as I feel a harsher production job would really have added to the atmosphere. But oh well, it can't all be perfect.

So overall, I could imagine these guys being the next The Red Shore. They start off as a Deathcore band that's miles ahead of all the other million Deathcore bands (the assholes breed like rabbits, rabbits with permanent erections) and then make the transition to fucking awesome Technical/Brutal Death Metal band. Here's hoping the next album is as good as this.

Download: 10,000 Sermons, One Solution
For fans of: Suicide Silence, The Red Shore, Napalm Death
Rating: Testicles. That is all.

Sunn O))) - Monoliths & Dimensions
Sunn O))) are the band that turn most Metal fans into The Plastics (A.K.A., the hot chicks) from Mean Girls. Gone are phrases such as "BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTAL" and "Grind your fucking face off" and in place are "Sunn O))) are the new black" and "Sunn O))) are so fetch". If one was to say something bad about Sunn O))) (For example, their music sounds like someone stuck a vibrator in your ear) odds are they would include in your burn book along with Metallica ("lol, teh $ out) and me ("The douche doesn't like The Red In The Sky Is Ours, what an asshole!). Why you ask? I have no fucking idea.

See, Sunn O))) seem to be flavour of the month (well last couple of years). They're like a less awesome version of Earth, but fans praise them as the most original band ever. Honestly, their music isn't that good. Since there are only four tracks on this album I'll do a track-by-track review so you can see why:

Track One: Aghartha
This track is more or less designed to annoy the shit out of you. You know how I know that? Because I know everything. Let me paint (in typed form) a picture for you of what this song is like. Imagine a retarded inbred baby who is missing half a head plugs a guitar in an amplifier. Then retarded headless inbred baby tries to play it. But fucks up. Because he's retarded. That's what this song is like. However, that is the genius of this song. That's right, this song kicks ass. It's so simple, but, unlike of the rest of the album, it has a spooky (ghost type spook, not rascist type spook) atmosphere. And around the five minute mark some spoken vocals come in. They're quite haunting and really add to the "song". Sure, you need to be in the mood for this song to really click (you wouldn't play this at a rave or during sex. Unless you're fucking your partner or dead body in a dark isolated room. In which case you're most likely raping said partner/dead body/dead body partner) , but when it does it's nothing short of fantastic. This song alone earns the album 2.5 stars out of the 3.0 I rated it.

Track Two: Big Chuch [fuckinghundredsofrandomlettersthatmightactuallyformsomethinginsomefarawaylandthatlistenstothismusic]
Big Church is a huge letdown after the awesomeness which is Aghartha. The droning guitar is very boring, but the vocals are quite good. They sound very distant and lost. It's a shame the rest of the music pales in comparrison.

Track Three: Hunting & Gathering (Cydonia)
Alright, you should know what to expect now. Some droning guitar with [insert vocals here]. So I'm more or less rating these based on vocals. The vocals sound like a mix of track two and threes vocals. So now the album starts to become really annoying. I know Drone isn't meant to be the most exciting or groundbreaking genre, but come, BORING. That being said, I quite like the symphonic elements found in this song.

Track Four: Alice
Alice is quite simply boring as fuck. Seriously, nothing of note happens during the whole sixteen minutes. It's like sex without your penis. You're experiencing it, but not properly. Because you have no penis. And in this case because nothing happens.

So to sum it up this is a boring and overrated album. If you're just getting into Sunn O))) get one of their earlier albums. Maybe if they would have combined the atmosphere and guitar from track one, the vocals of track two and the symphonic elements of track three this album would've been great. But it isn't. So just download Aghartha and avoid the rest of the album. There's no atmosphere to be found here, and atmosphere is what makes or breaks Drone (especially Drone Doom Metal)

Download: Aghartha
For fans of: Earth, KTL, Potop
Rating: Sunn O))) out of Sunn O)))))

W:
Wednesay 13 - Transylvania 90210: Songs of Death, Dying and the Dead
Fun. The idea of having fun is very simple:

To enjoy yourself.

However, with many bands these days (what the fuck am I saying, I'm only fifteen) is that it's all doom and gloom. "Oh nooooo, my highschool girlfriend left me for that strong macho football captain, my heart has broken into pieces, waaaaaaaaaaaah, *Emo screaming*, waaaaaaaaaaaaaah, hardcore breakdown, waaaaaaaah". See, I like serious music but every now and then you just wanna play something incredibly stupid. And I don't mean the "who the fuck gave BrokeNCYDE a record deal?" stupid, I mean "whoa, this music is so fucking awesome and full of references to awesome horror icons" stupid. And that's where Wednesday 13 comes in.

Now you might know Wednesday 13 from legendary Horror Punk band Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13 (RIP) or the Glam Metal influenced Murderdolls. Well anyway, this is his debut solo album, Transylvania 90210: Songs Of Death, Dying, And The Dead, and if you've heard a Wednesday 13 album before then you'll know what to expect: Tales of Horror, Punk music and Vincent Price.

Anyway, musically this album is more or less a less Metal sounding Murderdolls, or a more refined Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13 album. Simple, but fun music. Standard drumming, some nice guitar work, catchy choruses and Wednesday 13's distinct vocals. His vocals are just as great as ever, if not improved. This guy seriously sounds like a zombie redneck. And yes, that's a compliment.

Lyrically, it too is the same as always. Whether it's talking about the various ways he wants someone dead, how somebody is watching him in the house by the cemetary or how Santa better bring him a bucket of chicken, this is great entertainment for Horror fans. Think of this album as a B-Movie. Big, fun, campy and as serious as a Epic Movie (that's not to imply this album is of the same quality as Epic Movie. Fuck no, Epic Movie is a horrible piece of shit, where as this album is a Horror Punk classic).

One thing I'd like to highlight is the spooky atmosphere this album has. Some of the songs just have this sinister feel to them, like you're listening to Satan, if Satan was in a sorority and off his face.

However, a downside to this album are the slower songs. Musically, tracks Transylvania 90210 and The Ghost Of Vincent Price are quite boring, and they feel out of place.

So yeah, get Transylvania 90210: Songs Of Death, Dying, And The Dead. It's gore filled fun for the whole family!

Download: God Is A Lie
For fans of: Murderdolls, Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13
Rating: Wednesday 13/13