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Tell us your best joke

 
    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 16:44
    A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Fuck off! You're on my side!"

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    • V1nc3ntK sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 17:23
    A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
    "Blimey," the bus driver said, "that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
    In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
    "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
    The man sympathised and said, "He's a public servant! He shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
    "You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
    "That's a good idea," the man agreed. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

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    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 18:06
    A man is standing behind a woman at the checkout line. She's got a pint of ice cream, a bunch of bananas, a gallon of milk and some bread. The man looks at these items carefully and then asks the woman, "Are you single?" She replies, "Wow, can you tell that just by looking at what I'm buying?" He says, "No, I can tell that because you're ugly as hell."

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    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 18:21
    I have three children, two older boys and a daughter. My oldest son, Jimmy came downstairs this morning, and my wife asked him what he wanted for breakfast. "Give me some fuckin pancakes." She was outraged, slapped him in the face and sent him back upstairs.

    Our second son, Matty came downstairs after that, and my wife asked what he wanted for breakfast. "I'd like some fuckin pancakes", he replied. She was aghast, slapped him in the face and sent him back upstairs.

    Then our precious daughter, Emily, came downstairs. My wife says "hey there pretty lady, what would you like for breakfast?" and she thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know, but I definitely don't want the fuckin pancakes."

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    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 18:23
    I bought a box of animal crackers and on the box it said, "Do not eat if seal is broken."
    I opened the box up and wouldn't you know...

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    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 18:36
    A penguin is driving his car around town and it starts making this horrible sound. Being the responsible sort, he takes it down to the local garage before things get any worse. While the mechanic is checking under the hood, the penguin notices an ice cream stand across the street. He decides he'll get himself a cone while the mechanic is assessing the damage. Because eating ice cream is difficult when you have a beak, the penguin ends up getting ice cream all over his face.

    The penguin returns to the mechanic and asked him if he has found the problem.

    The mechanic looks out from under the hood and replies, "It looks like you blew a seal."

    The penguin wipes his mouth with a flipper and says, "Nah... it's just ice cream."

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    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 18:54
    I walked into a zoo. All of the cages are empty except one, which had a small dog in it. It was a shitzu.

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    • [Raderad användare] sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 18:55
    I only know one joke

    A man walks into a bar....... I forget the rest but your mother is a whore.

  • sea68 said:
    To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad....
    Apparently he had the time of his life.


    F'in hilarious.

    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 18:57
    A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

    The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

    "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

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    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 19:00
    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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  • sea68 said:




    A couple were invited to a Swanky family masked fancy Dress Halloween party


    Costume party. Why so many words old man?

    Where secrets sleep, between the devil and the deep blue sea.
    gasolinefamily.tumblr.com
  • I pirate walks into a bar with the helm of a ship shoved into his pants. The bartender looks at him and says "Ay cap'n, you've got a wheel in your trousers." The pirate replies, "Arrr I know and she's drivin' me nuts!"

    • [Raderad användare] sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 20:27
    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    Saddam
    Saddam who?
    Saddam Hussein, shut up or I'll kill you!!

    LOL

    • Robls sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 21:17
    dopeyslowpoke said:
    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    Saddam
    Saddam who?
    Saddam Hussein, shut up or I'll kill you!!

    LOL


    Either that or Saddamize you! HAHAHAHAAAH!...hah..oooooh mercy me..

    There is something I wanted to tell you, It's so funny you'll kill yourself laughing.


    But then I, I look around. And I remember...
    • V1nc3ntK sa...
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    • 22 nov 2009, 19:47
    I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

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    • V1nc3ntK sa...
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    • 23 nov 2009, 22:09
    Why are pirates pirates?
    Because they Arrrrrrrrr.

    The Ancient DisOrder of the Last FM Round Table
    • [Raderad användare] sa...
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    • 24 nov 2009, 11:31
    The New Tesco Doctor

    One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
    "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"

    Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

    There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
    and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

    It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
    better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".

    So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
    He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
    urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
    activity. It will improve in two weeks".

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
    began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
    from his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the mixture for
    good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would
    happen.

    He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
    results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

    1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

    2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

    3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4) Your wife is pregnant. Black twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer..

    5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
    get better....

    Thank you for shopping at Tesco!

  • If women with huge hooters always work at 'Hooters', where do the women with only one leg work?...


    IHOP :)

    • V1nc3ntK sa...
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    • 25 nov 2009, 16:29
    Everyone who tastes my homemade wine says it tastes horrible.
    I think it's just sour grapes.

    I was walking along the pavement and there was this sign that said, "Pavement ahead closed. Please use other side."
    It made me cross.

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    • [Raderad användare] sa...
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    • 25 nov 2009, 16:32
    V1nc3ntK said:
    Everyone who tastes my homemade wine says it tastes horrible.
    I think it's just sour grapes.


    • V1nc3ntK sa...
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    • 25 nov 2009, 16:33
    Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

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  • What's black and blue and brown and lying in a ditch??






    A brunette who told too many blonde jokes : )

    Has our Autumn died...Help me find you again
    • nuklr sa...
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    • 25 nov 2009, 16:45
    Why did the bin move? Because it felt like it.

  • There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

    The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

    Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

    Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

    The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to you question?"

    Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

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