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Tell us your best joke

 
    • jayleann sa...
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    • 12 apr 2012, 14:30
    Two psychologists run to a bus station but the bus has already left. Says the one to the other "Do you want to talk about it?"

  • I do love morbid humour and anti-jokes, so here's a collection of some I find moderately amusing;


    Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
    A: Nothing. I already told her twice.
    ___________

    A man enters a bar and begins ordering drink after drink after drink...
    ...his alcoholism is slowly tearing his family apart.
    ___________

    Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?
    A: Robin, get in the Batmobile.
    ___________

    Q: What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?
    A: I can't fuck a rock.
    ___________

    Q: What's the worst part about eating a dead baby?
    A: Trying to hide your erection.
    ___________

    Q: What does an orphaned retarded paraplegic AIDS patient get for Christmas?
    A: Cancer.
    ___________

    Q: What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
    A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in an oven.
    ___________

    Q: What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
    A: Not being retarded.
    ___________

    Q: How do you make a mime yell?
    A: Throw a brick at his face.
    ___________

    Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other?
    A: "How are we supposed to find the egg in all this shit?"
    ___________

    Q: What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
    A: Where's my tractor?
    ___________

    Two guys are out hunting when one has a heart attack. The other immediately dials 911. "What's the emergency?" "My buddy has had a heart attack and died! What do I do?" "Well, first go make sure that he's really dead." *sound of footsteps and a gunshot* ... "Okay, now what?"
    ___________

    Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
    A: One holds groceries, the other molests children.
    ___________

    Your mother's so old, she's likely to die soon.
    ___________

    An English man, a Chinese man & an African walk into a bar...
    ...what a fine example of an integrated community.
    ___________

    Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
    A: The Holocaust.
    ___________

    Q: What does Jesus wear to Church?
    A: I don't know.
    ___________

    Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?
    A: "You gonna eat that?"
    ___________

    Q: What do you call a black person flying a plane?
    A: A pilot.


    Anyway, I'll stop there because I could do this all day, :3

    • Kennoth sa...
    • Användare
    • 12 apr 2012, 15:23
    Loved them Leigh! I'm a big fan of anti-jokes and black humor myself. The best one was with Dahmer and Bobbitt.

    What breaks my pride, will break your skull. I bring the end, just like an Archangel.

    • jayleann sa...
    • Användare
    • 12 apr 2012, 15:33
    i liked the tractor joke xD

  • Aside from the Helen Keller one, this joke is probably my most favourite.

    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

    Leave my a's alone.
  • One evening a drunkard was staggering down the street when he saw the city cathedral. He climbed the stairs very slowly, went into the building, where he knocked over a load of pews before getting to the side aisle and going into the confessional box.
    The priest, seeing that the man was in need of spiritual help, went into the other side of the confessional and smelling the booze said, "May I help you, my son?"
    "Ughhhhhh, I dunno," replied the drunk, "Do you have any toilet paper on your side?"

  • Kennoth said:
    Loved them Leigh! I'm a big fan of anti-jokes and black humor myself. The best one was with Dahmer and Bobbitt.

    Was a good one I have to admit.

    My personal favourite was the Batman one. It's so dumb that's it's awesome.

    • [Raderad användare] sa...
    • Användare
    • 13 apr 2012, 02:03
    I have a couple of extra lame ones.

    A priest, a black guy, and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "oh, not another God damned joke!"

    "It smells like updog in here."
    "What's up dog?"

    What's the difference between the Chicago White Sox and a bucket of shit?
    The bucket!
    (Of course, the trick is to name something you don't like)

    Sorry if they're lame.

  • A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger of the situation.

    Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

    Q: What's sad about 4 black people dying in a car accident?
    A: They were my friends.

    Q: Why do undertakers wear ties?
    A: Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
    appearance has a degree of gravitas.

    A dyslexic man walked into a bar, ordered a beer, and no one was aware of his affliction.

  • Q: What do you call twenty lesbians in a tree?

    A: A country.


    This one works best if you're saying it as opposed to reading it.

    Leave my a's alone.
  • That awkward moment when you're convinced you've got testicular cancer, but it turns out that it was just one of your balls.

  • Q: What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?
    A: Before the First Period.

    If my thought-dreams could be seen, they'd probably put my head in a guillotine.

  • Q: What do you call drunken sex?
    A: Southern Comfort

    "Everyday I'm Scrobbling"
  • jayleann said:
    i liked the tractor joke xD


    me to..

    • Bloopy sa...
    • Forum Moderator
    • 8 maj 2012, 09:37
    I passed my hearing test with flying colours.
    Don't laugh, I suffer from synaesthesia.

  • How does a hill-billy mother know when her daughter's had her first period?

    She can taste blood on her son's penis.

    • [Raderad användare] sa...
    • Användare
    • 21 maj 2012, 11:46
    Why do fishermen use a net?


    Because Tarja was at the opera.


    What's got two legs and flies?


    Your mom falling off a cliff.


    Why did the chicken cross the road?


    To rub a duck.


    Who was the world's first underwater fashion model?


    Ophelia.

  • Why couldn't Susie swing? She didn't have any arms.
    Knock. Knock.
    Who's there?
    Not Susie.

    How do you stop a baby from drowning?
    Take your foot off its head.

    How do you get a baby out of a blender?
    Tortilla Chips.

    It's early and bright out, the sun swallowed me.
    tumblr
  • How did the fat man survive the plane crash?

    He didn't. His family misses him dearly.

    #TYBG
    • [Raderad användare] sa...
    • Användare
    • 25 maj 2012, 19:01
    A few obscure geeky jokes...


    What's the quickest way to shear a sheep?

    for (i=0;i<n;i++) sheep.x[ i ] += k * sheep.y[ i ] :)


    Why don't penguins like polar bears?

    Because they prefer cartesian bears :)


    How many ferrets make a mole?

    6.02 * 10^23 :)

  • leighdobson said:
    A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger of the situation.

    Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

    Q: What's sad about 4 black people dying in a car accident?
    A: They were my friends.

    Q: Why do undertakers wear ties?
    A: Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
    appearance has a degree of gravitas.

    A dyslexic man walked into a bar, ordered a beer, and no one was aware of his affliction.

    Hahah, I liked your previous batch of jokes as well but these just cracked me up :D

  • A husband and wife are shopping in Tesco’s when the husband picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife. “They’re on offer, only £10 for 24 cans”, he says. “Put them back. We can’t afford it,” says the wife and they carry on shopping… A few aisles she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband. “It’s my face cream, it makes me look beautiful,” she says. Then the husband replies… “SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT’S HALF THE F***ING PRICE”

    "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
    Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
    • [Raderad användare] sa...
    • Användare
    • 22 jun 2012, 03:13
    If John has 50 candy bars and eats 45 how many does he have??









    ...Diabetes. John has Diabetes.

  • What did the egg say to the boiling water?

    It might take a while for me to get hard I just got laid by this chick.

    *Life is not for winners it's for sinners that are losaaarrrrrsssss*
    Yer I like to sell dreams to the fiends...
    *We see through your evil if you ain't Hebrew, women like to wear that tight shit so they can tease you, super stars ain't God cus you niccas bleed too, never ever bite the hand that extends to feed you, out the darkness Israelites come to lead you, you ain't nothing but a piece of meat I sink my teeth through*
    • LethaOne sa...
    • Användare
    • 22 jun 2012, 04:41
    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.

    Jerk it with Luigi.
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