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Tell us your best joke

 
  • Tell us your best joke

    Q. Why do they not perform Smear tests on women over 60 ??
    A. Have you ever tried to pull apart a toasted cheese sandwhich

    • bald_gye sa...
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    • 18 nov 2009, 10:21
    if that's your best... then I feel for you.

    • Mamaatti sa...
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    • 18 nov 2009, 10:45
    Why did a lion get lost in a jungle?
    Because jungle is a friggin' big place.

    A shameless rip-off.

    lost in the kingdom of Narnia,
    brought back by nostalgic feelings
    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 18 nov 2009, 14:08
    What's brown and sticky?


    A stick.

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  • Definitions.

    Q. Whats the definition of a glass bra
    A. Smash and grab

    Q. whats the definition of an american bra
    A. One yank and its off

    Q. Whats the definition of a tin bra
    A. Condensed milk

    Q. whats the definition of noise
    A. Two skeletons having sex in a biscuit tin

    Q. Whats the definition of agony
    A. Sliding down the edge of a razor-blade using your nuts as the brakes

    Q. Whats the definition of desperation
    A. A dog in a desert looking for a lamp post
    A. A one armed man hanging of the edge of a cliff with an itchy arse

    Q. whats the definition of embaressment
    A. Walking into the wall with a hard on and hitting your nose first

    • Robls sa...
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    • 18 nov 2009, 14:44
    Z1955 said:
    What's brown and sticky?


    A stick.


    Ahhhhh a classic.

    There is something I wanted to tell you, It's so funny you'll kill yourself laughing.


    But then I, I look around. And I remember...
    • [Raderad användare] sa...
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    • 18 nov 2009, 15:13
    A drumkit falls down a cliff [*drum roll, snare crash*]

    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 18 nov 2009, 15:17
    My friend is not the sharpest tool in the shed...

    When he got divorced and got a place of his own, I got him some cleaning supplies for his new place. I was talking to him a few days later and jokingly asked him how he liked that new toilet brush. His reply, "It's okay, but I think I'll stick with using toilet paper."

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    • P2theLob sa...
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    • 19 nov 2009, 15:25
    A vampire bat returns to his cave one morning with his face covered in blood. All the other bats want to know where he found so much food but he won't tell and just goes to sleep. The next night when he wakes up the other bats start asking again. Finally he says " OK guys follow me". He fly's over the forest for a long time and at the very edge he says "Do you all see that giant tree right over there"? "Yes" the all reply.

    "WELL I DIDN'T"!!!

    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 19 nov 2009, 15:30
    A barber I knew used to sweep up all the hair clippings and burn them out back of his shop.

    Two women were power walking down the street as some of the smoke blew across their path.

    "Smell that?" asked one, "Smells like burning hair."

    "Yes," said the other, "I think we'd better slow down."

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  • Z1955 said:
    A barber I knew used to sweep up all the hair clippings and burn them out back of his shop.

    Two women were power walking down the street as some of the smoke blew across their path.

    "Smell that?" asked one, "Smells like burning hair."

    "Yes," said the other, "I think we'd better slow down."


    That made me laugh out loud on the phone with a customer. Nice one.

  • Z1955 said:
    What's brown and sticky?


    A stick.


    You stole mine D:

  • Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

    So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

    The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

    So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

    He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

    • Bloopy sa...
    • Forum Moderator
    • 19 nov 2009, 21:36
    First guy: Haha man, I must've drunk a lot last night. I was pissing like a sprinkler.
    Second guy: You mean you were squirting in short bursts?
    First guy: No, I mean I was spraying all over your backyard and your daughter was jumping around in it in a bikini.

    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 19 nov 2009, 21:41
    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.

    "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

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  • This guy...he said...his luck was so bad aspirin gave him headaches.

    • V1nc3ntK sa...
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    • 19 nov 2009, 22:41
    A woman goes into a cafe with a duck. She puts the duck on a stool and sits next to it. The waiter comes over and says: “Hey! That's the ugliest pig that I have ever seen.” The woman sneers at him and says: “It’s a duck, not a pig.” And the Waiter says: “I was talking to the duck.”

    The Ancient DisOrder of the Last FM Round Table
    • [Raderad användare] sa...
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    • 19 nov 2009, 22:41
    A man walks into a bar, His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.

    • iBluBear sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 11:57
    How do you keep a blonde occupied the whole day?
    -You write on a blank paper on both sides: look on the other side!
    -You put her in a round shaped room and tell her to find the corners!

    What does a blonde does when she sees a glass wall in front of her?
    -She climbs on it to see what it is on the other side!

    "courage is fear lasting two more seconds"
  • This one girl dies and then I eat her

    har har

    • [Raderad användare] sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 15:06
    A couple were invited to a Swanky family masked fancy Dress Halloween party. The
    Wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not
    going. So he took his costume and away he went..
    The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still
    early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
    She joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around
    on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
    His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition
    In her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
    Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'did you dance much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went Into the spare room and played poker all evening.' 'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad....
    Apparently he had the time of his life.

    • [Raderad användare] sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 15:24
    ^ 10/10.

    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 15:27
    Three old ladies where sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge, and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat, and exposes himself to the three old ladies. Immediately Ethel has a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak, couldn't reach that far.

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    • Mamaatti sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 15:35
    Earlier today I was fondling my penis and my mother called me to drink coffee. A bit disoriented because of this sickness, I walked into kitchen just to notice that I had left my half-erected penis hanging out of my pants.
    I noticed this infront of my mother and her new boyfriend. Now they both think that I'm gay.

    :|

    lost in the kingdom of Narnia,
    brought back by nostalgic feelings
    • Z1955 sa...
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    • 20 nov 2009, 16:31
    The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. "Oh God," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window." The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then stopped. "Are you crazy," he said, "we're on the 13th floor." "Shit," cried the young lady in exasperation, "do you think that this is the right fucking time to be superstitious?"

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